After Dark

Encore (Chapter 13)

2009-09-03T15:21:27Z

Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG13 (I think)
Genre: Drama, suspense
Synopsis: The multi-chapter response to Strings Attached. Akanishi Jin had finally grown used to Kamenashi's absense in his life. But after his two-year disappearance, Kamenashi Kazuya reappears. Jin is caught in a dilemma; ought he welcome the other man back with open arms? Then again, was Kamenashi the same person that he had known and loved from before?
A/N: Let's just say that the first akame scene here is a direct prologue (so to say) of 'Strings Attached'. I hope it helps in making more sense of the story. :P

The eagle sits alone, and waits.

Then it hears footsteps. However, it does not turn in the direction of the approaching sound.

It is tired, and afraid. It is afraid of the truth, of what it would find, looking at reality through clear eyes.

“Look at me.”

It was a human voice. The eagle does as it is told, for it has long been able to comprehend the language of the foreign species.

The eagle saw, and it knew at once. It was not an enemy after all, but did that mean it was a friend?

***

It had finally come to a time when the nights they spent together were no longer the same as before.

Those periods of conversation were gone, replaced by a hollow, resonating silence. Those gestures of warm affection had gone cold, like a stale dish that had been left alone too long. Those times that they had spent holding each other to sleep were substituted by a need for space, the need that was slowly creating a gulf between the two men.

Jin could sense that it was happening; Kamenashi was going to leave him at last. Except, he did not want to acknowledge this fact, and neither did he want to think about when it would happen. He had kept his distance, for he wanted to be spared of the pain he knew he would experience when the day arrived. He had allowed the rift to occur, because he was afraid – afraid that it would all become real if he tried to hang on to that enigmatic creature, afraid that Kamenashi would only leave him earlier if they had actually come to terms with the ending of their relationship in a peaceful way. It was like trying to keep water cupped in your hands; the harder you tried to keep it from dribbling away, the more easily it seemed to slip.

He knew that there were times when Kamenashi had wanted to talk; he could sense it. But it did not stop him from pushing the other man away even more. He hated the way things were and he did not want to talk about it – definitely not if Kamenashi was only going to persuade him that he had no choice but to leave.

Perhaps that had been why the younger man was visiting less often.

He should have had anticipated this from the start.

How many nights had he spent sleepless, waiting for the telltale signs of Kamenashi’s visit? How many times had he awoken in the wee hours of the morning, only to find realize that he was alone after all? This was ridiculous; he had survived well without the presence of the other for all the past years of his life. Why was it so hard to revert to that lifestyle now?

Jin’s head was spinning from all those contradicting thoughts. So much so that he hardly even registered when Kamenashi had arrived this time, so much so that he showed no sign of enthusiasm when he saw the younger one – there was no enthusiasm left, only fatigue.

“Jin, stop doing this to me.” Kamenashi said the moment he stepped into that apartment they had been so accustomed to sharing, leaving Jin with no time to escape, as he had done many times before.

“Doing what?” Jin replied wearily, unwilling to give a proper reply. He knew that they were tired, the both of them. But it was just… so hard.

“Stop ignoring me. Stop running away from me. Stop keeping your distance. Stop making it hard for me to…” He suddenly stopped, and Jin looked at him. There was something making Kamenashi’s eyes more glassy than ever that night, something that revealed more emotion than before. Why did he have to be seeing this now?

“Stop making it hard for you to…?”

Jin turned away as he spoke, frightened that those glassy eyes would remain to haunt him, that he would be forced to see the weakened state of the man he loved. But then the moment he did so, he felt a pair of hands turn his head around. It was the same pair of hands that now caressed the back of his head, and held him steady as its owner came close and pressed their lips against each other.

Jin froze.

It was a tender kiss, one that told Jin, right that instant, how much the other man wanted to stay on, and how much he felt for him. He could almost feel his resolve weakening by the second as Kamenashi persisted. It was willing him to let Kamenashi go, to stop himself from continuing to be a burden, and to do the last thing he could to lessen the younger one’s worries.

Then they broke apart.

Kamenashi’s face was a mere few centimeters away from his own, and it was all he could do to prevent himself from breaking down as the other man’s deep, vulnerable gaze met his own in such a close proximity.

“Stop making it so hard for me to say goodbye.” He whispered onto Jin’s lips, tightening their embrace as the older man’s eyelids fluttered shut.

It was a strange feeling – losing a battle that you did not even want to begin, hating to agree, but knowing full well that you were already convinced. He had never felt so helpless yet. Jin wanted to pull out from their wordless agreement, but he understood that deep down, the truth had set in at last.

But still… I don’t want you to let go of me.

***

Kamenashi Kazuya’s throat was dry from all the talking that he had done, and his voice was cracking from relieving the memories that he did not wish to revive. There was something about the place and the doctor that told him he could tell the truth, for this was a person that would not use it against him. He had told the doctor everything that he remembered; from the night that Jin had brought him back to his restaurant, to the argument that happened when they last saw each other.

All this time, the doctor surveyed him with mild interest, his brows slightly furrowed. Kamenashi momentarily felt as though he were indeed a patient, speaking of all the ailments that caused him discomfort, hoping to be relieved of them.

Then again, though, his intentions could be interpreted as such, could they not?

He finished speaking at last, exhausted both mentally and physically now. Why, though, did the doctor have to scrutinize him in that way? He fixed his gaze upon the floor, starting to feel vaguely uncomfortable.

“I think it’s time I answered your question. I’m a doctor, Kazuya. One who is experienced and knowledgeable in many fields – if you would excuse me for making such a proclamation – though I have a special interest in a field that I would consider, in some ways, unorthodox.”

“And what field would that be?”

“I’m not even sure if this can be considered a field…” He laughed dryly. “I’ve always wondered if there was any way the human mind could be controlled.”

Kamenashi waited for him to continue.

“To make this easy to understand, let me put it this way… Your father gives me the money to carry on with my… experiments. And in return, I offer him whatever medical services he may require. There are issues that have to be shielded from the public eye, or so he once told me. I gathered that ‘Cassis’ was not something that one should boast about in the open.”

There was another extensive moment of silence.

“Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way… There is something I’ve been curious about. Tell me, Kazuya: Who is Akanishi Jin to you?”

His eyes snapped up at once, in surprise, to stare at the old man. Pulse suddenly increasing, he began to ponder over his answer.

“I… I don’t know.” It was a reply that was far from the truth, and both of them knew it.

“Really?”

“… Maybe. Or maybe… not.” It was that constricted feeling of frustration again. “Maybe it’s your turn to tell me: Who was Akanishi Jin to me?”

“Why do you want to know, then?”

There was a long pause.

“I want to know. I want to know who he is to make me feel the things that I’m feeling. I want to know why I remember things when I’m with him. I want to know why –”

Then his words were cut off by a simple answer.

“You loved him.” The man said. “You told me that you loved him. And by the looks of it, you still do.”

“But… why?”

There was a small chuckle as Kamenashi asked this.

“I guess it’s the same way darkness yearns for light.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve always lived in the darkness; that’s what you told me. Your world is one that revolves around conspiracy and works using underhand means, while his was the epitome of peace, of simplicity.” The doctor stopped here to raise an eyebrow at Kamenashi, as though jokingly mocking him of his inability to recognize such an obvious fact. “You wanted him, so that you could be like him.”

Kamenashi looked away, the constricted feeling in his chest replaced by yet another one. Somehow, these words stirred something within him, bringing his attention to a knot in his heart that he did not even realize was there.

The darkness that yearns for light…

His skull was getting heavier and was throbbing, as memories struggled to bubble to the surface of his mind – without much avail.

The darkness that contaminates the light…

Everything now was strange in a way that was beyond words; why could he suddenly recall the feel of Jin’s lips upon his?

What’ve I been doing, all this while?

He could feel a lump in his throat, though no tears came to his eyes.

“Don’t resist them. The memories.” It was as though the doctor knew what he was feeling at that time.

Kamenashi squeezed his eyes shut. Things came back in a flood of vague images – but even the gist of them frightened him. What kind of life had he been leading, before everything happened?

Then he opened his eyes again, feeling like he was seeing the world in a whole new light this time; Or perhaps, a through a whole new veil of darkness.

“Does that mean… he remembered everything that I did to him, but took me back in all the same?”

“Well, only he knows the answer.”

Kamenashi exhaled unknowingly, suddenly overwhelmed. He looked at the old man.

“Why did you take me in this time? Why not let me rot away on the streets instead?”

“Let’s just say… I did it for old times’ sake. But let’s not assume that I would be doing anything like that again.”

A few seconds passed.

“If I go now, without the intention of seeing you again…”

“I owed your father many things.” Came the immediate reply.

A smile. He nodded his head shortly in thanks.

Bye-bye.

***

Akanishi Jin watched the mysterious stranger that was seated across him, in his living room, wondering what had landed him in such a situation in the first place. The stranger had asked to be invited into the apartment, and he had obliged, though somewhat warily. Maybe it was because it felt as though he no longer had anything to lose. Or maybe he was simply too plagued with fatigue to think any deeper into anything else.

“I’m here to offer you a part of the truth, but it’s up to you if you wish to accept it.”

“Maybe you should tell me who you are, before everything else.”

“Motonao Koinishi.”

“And maybe you should tell me your real intentions.”

“I just did – I’m here to offer you a chance to listen to the truth.”

“The truth of what?”

“Many things.”

Jin narrowed his eyes at the man named Motonao Koinishi.

“I’m tired of having to deal with people who think that they can mess around with my life as they like.”

“Oh, are you?”

“You know Kamenashi, don’t you?”

There was a pause at the sound of this. Motonao appeared to be contemplating the question seriously.

“That’s one thing that I cannot guarantee. But there’s someone whom I know of, that I’m sure you do too.”

Jin remained quiet, waiting for the man to continue; there was no point playing along with this strange intruder. He supposed he had grown immune to things like that, somehow. His life was growing so unpredictable that even he knew what to learn to expect.

“It’s someone by the name of Ueda Tatsuya.”

瞳ちゃん、お誕生日おめでとう～

2009-08-30T12:42:40Z

I wanted to write a fanfic for you, (about Helpless Night... xD) but there wasn't enough time, so here goes:

3 wallpapers for your birthday!

#1

#2

#3

Yeah, the third's a bit of a joke. *runs* Hahaha. But happy birthday anyway! *hugs*

Encore (Chapter 12)

2009-08-21T06:04:09Z

“Ne, Kazu.”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

There was a halt.

“Mm.” Kamenashi replied quietly, as he placed his head upon Jin’s shoulder, taking the book back into his hands once more.

Jin smiled, but somehow, something felt missing from this scene. It was wrong of him to think this way, almost unreasonable that he should be expecting too much from Kamenashi. Yet…

Never an assurance.

Knowing that Kamenashi treated him differently was not enough. He had given up too much to be able to turn away from all this nonchalantly if it were to fall apart. Despite the younger man’s reassurances, he could not bring himself to feel consoled. There was always this distance between them, this knowledge that they were from two worlds, and did not belong together. He loved Kamenashi, even if he had barged into his life, even if he had forced him to give up everything to be with him. But when was he going to find out for real if the other man felt the same way?

***

They met at the entrance to the bar that they so frequently visited; Four men, each battling for survival in the cruel world where they lived, like two princes and their right-hand men.

“Have I not warned you before, of meddling in my business?” Kamenashi Kazuya asked coldly, as he eyed his older counterpart, who was just stepping out from the dimly-lit confines of the store.

“What arrogance.” Ueda Tatsuya replied with distaste. “This ‘business’ you speak of is not yours alone.” Then he walked off, Ichihara by his side like a faithful pet, without as much of a glance at Kamenashi himself, as though the younger one was not worthy even to appear in his line of vision.

Kamenashi appeared unfazed by this, as he entered the bar, receiving respectful nods from every direction as he made his way to the counter, followed by Motonao. It was hard to explain, but every time he stepped into this place, it felt like he was entering a whole new world, a world that belonged to Cassis, that was, in actual fact, Cassis itself. Maybe that was why he felt a need to be the only one dominating it.

It was his world, and his alone.

As for Tatsuya…

Kamenashi never knew what really to think of the older man. He was just so enigmatic, so capable, and so charismatic in his own way. He seemed to be someone who could achieve, without putting in as much effort as others would need. In some ways, Kamenashi secretly wanted to be like him, to easily exude that charm and power, to already be, naturally, a man above all others.

He sat down by the bar counter, his gaze unfocused, allowing the multi-coloured lights to blur into a confusing mess. He was vaguely aware that Motonao had gone into one of the inner rooms of the place, and let out a breath of relief unknowingly at the disappearance of the other man’s presence.

He glanced to the side, gazing almost reflexively at the street across the road, as he did every time he stayed in the bar, whether it was for actual business or just a drink. The lights from beyond flickered benignly, and he found his gaze trailing back to the orange glow emanating from that western food restaurant right opposite. It looked like a busy, bustling place, always visited by families who would then be greeted by smiling waiters and scrumptious food. Every bit of the place was brightly lit, unlike the place in which he resided.

Sitting in his realm of darkness, sometimes he felt that he was like the devil, watching and yearning to be like the people in what seemed to be a warm haven. But of course, his presence there would only destroy that beautiful peace.

His eyes landed on one of the waiters, whose hair was long and slightly messy from a long day’s work, though his smile remained bright and sincere. It had been a long time since he had seen anyone like that. Kamenashi smiled inwardly and turned back to the bartender, whose expression was blank as usual, ordering a drink.

“Kamenashi-san.” Motonao was back.

“So how much damage had Ueda Tatsuya caused?”

“Quite a bit, I should say.” Motonao paused. “Kamenashi-san, they’re… gone.”

Kamenashi looked up from the counter and raised an eyebrow.

“I see.”

The older man was waiting for further instructions, though none came.

“Kamenashi-san, but the money –”

“If it matters that much to him, he can have it.”

“But you know that it doesn’t. He wants to usurp your rightful position, and you know it.”

Kamenashi chuckled.

“But what can an outsider like him possibly manage?”

***

The suite was silent, every particle in the air heavy with coldness, when Kamenashi stepped into it. Slipping out of his polished leather shoes, something close to a smirk crossed his face when he spotted the dark figure lying across the soft bed, the simple elegant posture of which easily complementing the silken sheets draped over the mattress.

He pulled the door shut, and the figure shifted in the dimness of the room as the soft click sounded.

“You’re here.” Came a low voice.

Kamenashi said nothing in response, merely striding casually towards the figure, joining him on the bed quietly, his face a mask of indifference, even as intruding fingers caressed his skin. It was a strange feeling, to be desired, or so it seemed, by the one who opposed him in almost every aspect of his life; to be touched, and to touch in return his biggest nemesis, and also the person whom he most secretly admired. It was a strange feeling, and it was this strangeness that he had an affinity towards, a strange feeling that would not get him anywhere…Or would it?

Yet, he reveled in the simple fact that he could subdue his worst enemy, that he somehow had an edge over this mysterious character.

***

Tat-chan, why aren’t you picking up?

Jin was horrified to discover how close to tears he was. He sat on the floor, trying to regain his composure, trying to tell himself that everything would be alright.

Tat-chan’s just busy. He’s just not free at the moment. Of course he wouldn’t be. It’s so late… ne? He’ll be there tomorrow to make things alright. It’s not his fault…

He blinked away the teardrops forming in his eyes and tried to smile – how was it that something he could once do with the utmost ease become such a difficult feat? Then he remembered how Kamenashi had once told him that it was his smile that had drawn him to he, and shut his eyes again, wanting nothing more than to disappear from existence right that moment.

The places that Kamenashi had dealt blows to were burning; they were bouts of pain that were not about to vanish anytime soon, serving as a continuous reminder to what had happened.

He put his phone down and exhaled slowly.

Akanishi Jin, what’s wrong with you? It’s not like you to be this pathetic, this dependent, this… useless.

He sat on the floor for a long time, staring into blank space for what seemed to be eternity.

Maybe you’ll have to pull yourself together this time… Without the help of anyone else. Like you did before.

He finally stood up, his limbs stiff and hurting from the many hours he had spent moping before.

Let’s take a shower, Jin.

He took a few steps to his room in the darkness.

Smile, Jin.

At least no one could see the state he was in.

***

Motonao Koinishi stood rooted to the spot, like a statue, as he realized where his informants had led him to. It was an apartment building – the very same one that he had sent men to investigate a few months back. He was missing some things in this picture, and it was confusing indeed. He looked at the address in his hands, haphazardly scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. He had found the right place.

‘Akanishi Jin’, huh? So he’s the missing piece to my puzzle.

His gaze set, Motonao made his way to the particular apartment, to where he knew his answers would be found.

***

The knocks on his door were loud, and sharp. Jin found his pulse picking up speed involuntarily, experiencing a sense of forbidding that he could hardly explain. He had just finished with his shower, and was dressed in a simple white t-shirt with Bermudas, though his eyes remained a little red, and a little puffy from holding back the tears that he did not shed. Who could possibly be visiting him now? Tatsuya was not picking up his phone, while Kamenashi…

I doubt he’ll be coming back again.

The mere thought of this prospect hurt more than he had expected it to. He wanted to ignore the knocking on his door, to hide in his room and wait for time to heal his wounds – if it ever would. Whichever way he would have preferred their relationship to end, it definitely was not the way it did.

Then he heard a voice from the door – the voice of someone that he had never heard before.

“Akanishi-san, I know you’re in there. Maybe you should open the door.”

How does he know my name?

Curiosity mingled with his previous sense of foreboding as he walked hesitantly to the door. He stopped before opening it.

“Who’s there?” He called back.

“Why don’t you see for yourself?”

***

Kamenashi stopped struggling, as he heard the words spoken by the man.

“What?”

The man smiled – it was an eerie nuance, unlike smiles that he had seen before, smiles that he wanted to see once more. At the thought of this, his mind drifted back to Akanishi. Akanishi, that a small part of him still longed to see again.

“You begged me to. You begged me to help you forget. Don’t you remember, Kamenashi Kazuya? I watched you grow up, I’ve been looking after you and your family all your lives… That is, when you still had a family for me to take care of.” The man said, smiling again.

“You –” Kamenashi felt that urge to run again, though he remained rooted to the spot. He had to – he had to find out who this man was. Moreover, he was too weak to go anywhere, and the man knew it as well.

“I was your family doctor, Kazuya.” He said. “Not too long after your father’s death, you came to me. I don’t know what they put you through, but you were in a terrible state back then.” There was something in the man’s gaze that was close to pity, and Kamenashi detested it. “You told me that you wanted to forget. Everything.”

“That means you knew everything about my family.” Kamenashi stated. Was there any other possibility, he wondered. So that’s why he brought me back here…

‘No.”

The answer was not what he had expected, however.

“I guess you have forgotten certain things, after all. My clients, Kazuya, are never the simple people you believe them to be. I’m not like normal doctors. I don’t need, and neither do I want information from my patients.”

“Then… what do you want?”

“Money.”

“Why?”

“Becoming rather inquisitive now, aren’t you? Why don’t you tell me what happened to you this time? Before I show you where my money goes to?”

They stared at each other for a long moment, each with an agenda in mind, though neither desired to cause any hurt. It was personal issues at work, and both of them wanted to be on the winning end.

“Deal.”

***

The eagle sits alone, and waits.

Then it hears footsteps. However, it does not turn in the direction of the approaching sound.

It is tired, and afraid. It is afraid of the truth, of what it would find, looking at reality through clear eyes.

“Look at me.”

It was a human voice. The eagle does as it is told, for it has long been able to comprehend the language of the foreign species.

The eagle saw, and it knew at once. It was not an enemy after all, but did that mean it was a friend?

愛しているから。(Because I Love You)

2009-08-14T15:36:09Z

Pairing: Akame

Rating: G

Genre: Romance?

Summary: Kamenashi Kazuya is a singer at a pub; the night he chooses to sing a composition of his, he sees a familiar face in his audience; the face of someone that he would never forget.
A/N: This was written in line with the song Kame sang during the Okinawa concert - '愛しているから', supposedly. Translations of the lyrics from here, though I made some minor adjustments here and there to make it fit in better with the story *runs* Hope you guys like it!

“This song is dedicated to someone that I won’t ever forget.” He spoke in measured tones into the microphone, his voice echoing softly around the pub. The surroundings dimmed as an orange spotlight shone on him. “Please listen, because I love you.”

The guitar was tucked securely under his arm as he strummed the first few chords of his song. It was a gentle melody, one that he had spent days and nights on perfecting. It was for that special someone, and he wanted it to speak the words he never was able to, and never would be able to.

“If tonight, I would lose you, I won’t forget because I still love you…”

***

They stood alone at the balcony of his house, two pairs of eyes looking far into the distance – at the streetlamps that glinted like stars of the earth, at the hazy glows from each window, staring back at them, calm and unwavering. They looked into the distance, at anything and everything, except each other.

If silence could be deafening, like the loudest noise, this was one of those instances. There they stood, like statues, that unbearable silence blaring into their ears. The night air was heavy with nothingness– a suffocating vacuum. It was only when he finally spoke that the silence shattered, replaced by something he did not know if he should be grateful for.

“I don’t understand.”

Kamenashi shifted his gaze at last, to observe the boy beside him. The boy who was a few months older than he was, and the image of a youthful teen – his shoulder-length hair was a shade of light brown, his eyes glistening with innocence, and his build rather slim. Yet, there was something missing from the picture; his features were contorted into a slight frown, as though troubled by something he could not quite comprehend.

“I just wish you would stop doing the things you always do.”

Upon hearing these words, Kamenashi smiled, his expression that of a bland bitterness. There were many things that he always did, though he would be lying if he claimed that he did not know what the other boy was speaking of, exactly.

“There’s nothing wrong with –”

“There is. What if she saw us?”

“So what if she did?”

“We’re… it’s not right. People would say things.”

“What’s not right? Our friendship?”

It was a taunt; a dare. Why should the other boy not acknowledge their relationship? Was he going to deny it, even in front of his… best friend? No one spoke for a while, as the other boy bowed his head, choosing his words.

“It’s… not a friendship.” He raised his head, the frown still etched onto his forehead. “And you know it just as well as I do.”

Kamenashi reached out quietly for the other boy’s hand, which was cold from clutching onto the railings of the balcony, cold from being bitten by the wind. He felt the hand twitch in his grasp for a moment, as though reflexively wanting to pull away. He let go of it immediately, a strange feeling in his chest.

“Jin, there’s nothing wrong with doing this… right?”

There was no reply, and the silence returned – a chilling blanket, smothering the two of them.

***

“After the short kisses, feeling the soft moonlight, the feelings spill…”

His gaze traveled around the pub, at his audience, subconsciously wondering if they could feel what he did when he listened to his own music. The reminiscence, the yearning, and even the love – the love that was visible at times, nonexistent at others.

How they had started off, he no longer recalled. It had come so naturally, so inconspicuously into their lives that they felt no sense of misdeed when they obeyed the words of their heart; not until they realized where they were headed.

Some faces stared back at him, their vaguely distant expressions stating that they were absorbed in his music, for which he was grateful. Some appeared lost in thought, seemingly reviving their own memories, their own pasts. Then there were some who spoke quietly to their companions – perhaps his melody was the accompaniment to their blossoming relationship.

He allowed his gaze to land on each of their faces, as though singing the song to every one of them in turn. That, he felt, was what his job was. He was a singer by night, someone who was to deliver music to his audience, to convey the message of each song to anyone who would listen.

“I’ve heard so much laughter, seen so many sad faces, and the first time I saw them, I was confused… I locked up in my heart, even the ‘thank you’s that never reached yours…”

***

“Ne, Kame-chan, let’s have dinner together after school.”

Kamenashi turned around upon hearing the low whisper from behind. It was the other boy, seated behind himself, a squarish table separating the two of them. He nodded quickly, turning back to the book he was reading.

He wondered why the older boy had chosen to whisper for a second, though when the answer came to him, he realized how obvious it had been: But of course, such things could not be said at a normal volume, for their relationship was an embarrassment if exposed, was it not? He sighed inwardly, careful not to let the other notice that he was feeling down.

Then he felt a tap on his shoulder, and a note being shoved into his palm: “I’m sorry that I made you upset the other day.”

He shook his head to indicate that he did not mind, his gaze resolutely fixed on the pages of text before him. Yet, none of it reached his mind. It was only reasonable, he thought, as his mind was too occupied by other matters.

He pondered over the nature of their relationship, over the other boy’s reluctance to openly acknowledge it, and refusal to abandon it. It made little sense, and he wondered if it was meant to be like this. Then, he folded the note and slipped it into his bag, not knowing what to think anymore.

***

“What would you be thinking about, on that endless road? Don’t forget that feeling, and let me be next to you…”

He felt as though his mind had gone back to the past, leaving his body in the present – why was it that a familiar face had appeared amongst those below the stage? A familiar face that was watching him, swaying gently to the melody that he strummed.

“The sad emotions hiding in the dark, the days we played around, the plans were to be a dull adult, but…”

***

The day their final examinations had ended, their whole class went out together for a celebration. However, they exchanged few words throughout its duration; nothing more than polite greetings. The laughter, the jokes, the complaints shared that evening belonged to anyone and every one of their classmates; every one, but the pair.

Yet, they walked home together, and it was only then that the other boy stopped Kamenashi in his path.

“What’s the matter?” The younger one asked.

But his only reply was only to put his arms gently, hesitantly around Kamenashi’s waist, resting his neck almost delicately on his shoulder.

At that moment, he knew. He knew that they were no longer who they thought they were to each other.

The other boy tightened his embrace wordlessly upon meeting no resistance, unwilling to let go for a long time. Kamenashi smiled wanly and reciprocated the hug, allowing his best friend to cling onto him for as long as he wished, while knowing fully well that he would not have minded if that particular friend did not let go of him forever.

That’s right; they were friends.

But friends did not do things like that, did they?

***

“Open the locked heart softly; the words ‘thank you’ would be received to your heart now… What would you be thinking about, on that endless road? Don’t forget that feeling, and let me be next to you…”

He was lost in the depths of those eyes; the brown eyes that stared straight into his own, as though penetrating into his soul, seeing the images he saw as he delivered the song. Those were brown eyes that he knew, that he had looked into and seen right through, many years ago.

“Looking back at the distance between you and me, you taught me that I’m not alone…”

***

“Hey Kamenashi-kun, why aren’t you going to the same university as Akanishi-kun? I thought you were the best of friends!”

Kamenashi looked at his classmate, surprised at the question.

“I… don’t know. What makes you think that way?”

“Come off it. Even though you seldom talk, you two always look like you’re sharing a secret, like you know what the other party is about to say before they even do…”

Kamenashi offered no reply, for he simply did not know how to.

***

“When you’re feeling sad, I decided to be right behind you; so don’t forget that I love you…”

The familiar face smiled, and he smiled back, faintly, as he sung. Their eyes were riveted, in a staring match that neither could explain. Or perhaps, there was no longer a need for explanation, for this was something that ran much deeper.

“If tonight, I would lose you…”

***

They would no longer be seeing each other, for they would no longer be attending the same school. Maybe, it was an unspoken agreement between them. By applying for different universities, they would be spared of the confusion they experienced now, of the need to face up to something that they knew was a mistake.

“So… we won’t be seeing each other anymore.” The older boy started off.

“Yeah.”

“Take…Take care, alright?”

“You too.”

Kamenashi had the sudden urge to grab the other boy in a crushing embrace, to tell him once and for all that they were not best friends, that they liked each other in a way beyond friendship, and to have him be unable to deny it anymore. He wanted to make things clear before he no longer had the opportunity to do so.

He looked into the other boy’s eyes, knowing fully well, in that instant, that the older one wished to hold him one last time just as much, to convince himself that all of it had not been a figment of his imagination.

He wanted to wrap his arms around the other boy in reassurance…

But he did not.

And neither did his best friend.

They walked home in different directions, their last source of consolation being imagining the hug that never happened.

***

“I won’t forget because I still love you. So don’t forget that I still love you.”

He spoke those words directly to the man in the audience, and strummed the last few chords of the song, before standing up and making a small bow in response to the polite, appreciative applause he received in return.

“Thank you for listening. My name is Kamenashi Kazuya, and that song was entitled ‘Because I love you’. Hope you liked it.”

He whispered his last words into the microphone, glancing one last time at the man with the familiar face.

The man’s hair was no longer light brown, but that of a darker shade, and longer in length. His eyes no longer shone with innocence, but with maturity. He was no longer as thin as before, but a person with a broad stature. He was no longer the child from Kamenashi’s past, but a fully grown adult.

And in that instant their eyes met for the last time, they understood, and they remembered. Those were the times that they spent together; the times that they could not, and should no longer return to.

The times that would be best left as beautiful memories.

Happy Birthday!

2009-07-04T13:46:35Z

Ah, I still remember how the first KAT-TUN member's birthday I 'celebrated' was Jin's.

It's been more than a year since I stepped into this fandom. xD So, time to do something more in celebration of Akanishi-san's special day~~

3 wallpapers, 6 icons. and 3+6=9. Muahaha. 369. *runs before she gets bashed*

Hope you like them! <33 Comments are appreciated if you're taking any.

First, the wallpapers...

#1:

#2:

#3:

Then, the icons...

#1 #2 #3

#4 #5 #6

Yup, that's it for now. Hope all you Jin fans out there enjoyed today too. :P

Queen of Pirates (Chapter 3)

2009-05-28T07:01:11Z

Title: Queen of Pirates
Pairings: Akame, Junda, TaNaka
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, only the storyline ^^
Summary: A gang of pirates set off on a journey for a legendary treasure, only to meet with unforseen circumstances, a new member to the crew, and something more precious...
A/N: It's almost been a year since I last updated this... Oh man. xD I wonder if anyone's still interested in reading it. I suddenly felt like updating, though. The fic bunny works in strange ways. Maybe it's because I've had a weird day. Grr.

Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2

Nothing more than a vast, calm ocean met their eyes when they awoke the next morning, examining, in the clear morning sun, the actual amount of damage that had been dealt to their ship. Ueda had just taken over the task of steering the ship, his gaze fixated on the distant horizon, brows furrowed. The rest of the few went in different directions, examining the area to see if there was anything they had missed from the evening before.

Kame made his way across the deck alone, taking in the dark brown stains of dried blood with his head lowered, mourning silently for his comrades’ deaths. His thoughts drifted back to the sudden attack of the night before, going through every detail that he remembered. The faces of the attackers, the amount of weapons that they had with them, the way their attack coincided with the heavy storm…

He stopped and looked up, facing the endless ocean with a heavy heart, allowing himself to seek solace in the sound of distant waves. He had always loved the sea as a child, and visited the beach as often as he could afford to. There was just something about its salty smell and gentle waves that seemed to beckon to him. He was drawn to everything that reminded him of it – seashells, sand, water sports…

“You look troubled.”

It was Jin.

Kame felt tired, tired of everything that had got to do with the problems they were facing. If he were to be completely honest, the only thing that he wanted to do was to dive into the ocean right then and swim away. Somewhere far away.

“Penny for your thoughts.”

This reminded him of what his mother used to say whenever he was caught frowning in the past. Before all of this happened. He smiled unwittingly.

“My thoughts are worth more than that, thank you very much.” He looked away.

“I’m afraid I can’t afford to hear about them then.”

Kame chuckled, but his expression remained solemn. Their journey for the legendary treasure was turning out to be so much worse than expected. First, their best friend had given up on them even before the journey begun. Then, half their comrades had been killed for an attack without reason.

Something seemed to click into place.

An attack without reason…

“Akanishi-kun.”

Jin, who was still hovering by his side, looked at him. Kame could not help thinking that there was always this haughty air about him, even when he was not on his own territory. Was he not feeling the least bit apprehensive? Kamenashi wondered, feeling slightly uneasy, yet a little admiring of his guts at the same time.

“Yes?”

Kame looked him straight in the eye.

“What were your motives in attacking our ship?”

Why do his eyes not betray anything?

There was no emotion in them, those impenetrable spheres. He had always prided himself on being someone who could hide his emotions cleanly. This was something that Ueda, Koki and Junno were less apt at. He was good at reading the thoughts of others, despite not having the abilities that Maru did. Yet, he could not seem to read Akanishi like he did with other people. He could only watch as Akanishi stared blankly back at him, hesitating for a moment.

“I can’t tell you that.”

He did not look away, and neither did Kame. It was making both of them uncomfortable, but neither of them wanted to give in. Neither of them wanted to admit weakness. Or maybe it was because of something that ran deeper. Maybe they wanted to see through each other’s guarded eyes, to know what kind of soul existed within. Maybe they recognized the aura of authority that they were both surrounded with.

“Oi!”

They looked around simultaneously at a rough call.

“What happened?” Kame shouted back at Koki, who had evidently been diligently checking the ship for problems.

“I think I have bad news for you guys.” Koki was walking back across the deck, waving at the remaining few of the crew to gather around him. “The base of the ship is in danger of giving way.”

There was a pause as each of the remaining five took in this information. Koki turned to Maru.

“So what’re we going to do?”

This earned him a glance from the older man before he looked once more into empty space, apparently deep in thought.

“That’s simple; we can either repair it or find the nearest island and dock the ship there.” Jin, seemingly unaware of the atmosphere, piped up. Junno threw him a dirty look, and the rest remained quiet.

“How long will it hold up for?”

“At best… a day or two.” Koki answered, looking worried.

“Then we will take Jin’s advice.”

There was a long, pregnant pause. Ueda and Koki exchanged glances, while Junno gave no reply, with his arms crossed. Jin finally seemed to catch on, though his eyes were on Kame. Kame contemplated Maru’s words without much of a reaction. He had always trusted Maru for the man’s uncanny ability to make the best judgment, regardless of the situation they were caught up in.

“Okay.” Kame nodded at last, and nudged Ueda, who conceded as well. Koki gave the youngest member of the crew the slightest of reassuring smiles. Junno looked unconvinced, but did not make any comment, and Kame continued. “So… let’s plan our route, shall we? Taguchi-kun, could you take charge of that?”

“That would be good.” It was Maru who replied, not Junno, and the latter sighed resignedly.

***

It was almost evening when it was Jin’s turn to steer. Kame had decided on this. “It’s only fair to do so,” he had said. “He’s part of our crew now.”

Jin made his way towards Junno, from whom he was supposed to take over the job.

“Taguchi-san.”

Junno did not look up.

“Taguchi-san.” He persisted, raising his tone.

“Yes?” Junno finally looked at him, his expression wholly unfriendly. Jin eyed him unappreciatively. The deck was empty, and the others were indoors, either preparing for a simple dinner or planning their new route.

“You know what; maybe you could afford to be a little more cooperative here.” Jin stated boldly.

Junno rolled his eyes and raised his hands in mock surrender. “Go on, then, if you’re so great.”

Jin took over Junno’s position without as much as a glance in his direction. The sky was darkening and a cool breeze swept across the deck – a stark contrast to the mounting tension between the pair.

“Bastard.” Junno said before turning to leave, unable to contain his distaste for the newcomer.

“Maybe you ought to be more worried for yourself.” Jin finally spoke, quietly, as though telling a secret.

Junno stopped in his tracks. “What do you mean?”

“What do you think I mean?”

“Taguchi-kun! Time for dinner!” Came a voice from the cabin. Junno paused, but finally left Jin alone. Yet, the other man’s words had left him with an increasing sense of uneasiness.

Encore (Chapter 11)

2009-04-28T14:59:36Z

Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG13
Genre: Drama, suspense
Synopsis: The multi-chapter response to Strings Attached. Akanishi Jin had finally grown used to Kamenashi's absense in his life. But after his two-year disappearance, Kamenashi Kazuya reappears. Jin is caught in a dilemma; ought he welcome the other man back with open arms? Then again, was Kamenashi the same person that he had known and loved from before?

The eagle sits in its cage, helpless. It is not a large area and the eagle suddenly wants to be back on the streets again, weakened, but at least free. There is no one in sight, but it feels like it may be attacked any moment.

It feels… vulnerable.

***

Kamenashi tried not to squirm as he man continued speaking to him, the way one would talk to a long lost pet. There was something about the way the man looked at him, the way all the doors in sight were shut tight, and the way there was a clinical smell about the house that made him feel like a patient about to be dissected, an animal about to be locked away for life.

“Kazuya, would you like me to get you some water?”

Suddenly desperate for the man to go away, he nodded his head. But the man did not disappear. Instead, he snapped his fingers, and one of the doors opened. It was a young boy, probably slightly younger than Kamenashi himself.

Something about the boy’s appearance struck him as strange, though. The boy’s eyes were unfocused, and his expression rather blank. He did not do anything, but merely stood by the doorway, still as a stick, as though waiting for instructions.

“Bring me some water.”

The boy disappeared as the door closed.

Why’s he…

“He doesn’t know a thing now. You can be like him, if you want. Don’t you want to forget about your past? Didn’t you want to forget about your past?” The man said softly.

Kamenashi stared at him. Had he actually voiced his thoughts unknowingly, or had the man merely been accurate in reading his facial nuances?

“I can make you forget it all. I do have the authority, you know?”

“I don’t –”

But then the boy returned with a metal tray – a tall glass of water, and a syringe, with a small bottle of solution. Kamenashi tried to edge away from the man, but there seemed to be no place to run. Moreover, he was drained, too drained to escape.

Then the man was holding his arm; his fingers felt along Kamenashi’s skin, the way a doctor would, as he looked for the right spot to insert his needle. Kamenashi wanted to run, wanted to get out of the place, wanted to stop the chills going up his spine…

“I don’t want –”

“Oh really? And what happened to that ‘Cassis’ you told me about? Are they not trying anything funny on you anymore?”

Kamenashi stopped struggling.

What?

***

Jin was alone again when he finally woke from his state of exhausted slumber. He did not know what time it was, but the sky was still dark – terribly dark.

He hated it. Hated the feeling of being neglected, hated the overbearing silence and the notion that there was no one around to depend on, no one to catch him anymore if he fell.

Why did Kamenashi have to do this to him, time and again?

His body was aching and his eyes were swollen from having cried himself to sleep on the floor the night before. Yet, his mind relentlessly drove back to the events of the night before.

An uncomfortable sleep had still given him some rest, and his mind was slightly clearer compared to the night before, though seemingly no less tired. Now that he was, at last, beginning to accept the fact that Kamenashi probably was not going to come back anytime soon anymore, more details of their exchange the previous night were beginning to surface in his mind.

Revenge… Cassis… His fault…

What the hell had Kamenashi been talking about?

Everything was a blur in his mind now; all he wanted to do was to crawl back into bed and have a good rest. Why could he not have more time, just to recharge his internal batteries, to regain that momentum that he so badly needed?

Why did I have to call him ‘Kazu’? Why did I have to agitate him? Why can’t I just move on?

He could not pretend that he was not bothered by it. Why was Kamenashi convinced that it was he, Akanishi Jin, who landed him in his sorry state?

I’m just troubled because I don’t want him to hate me for the wrong reasons… Right?

There were some times where he felt that there were simply too many thoughts for his head to contain, and this was one of those times.

I need to talk to someone.

He scrambled to his mobile phone, entering a number with unsteady fingers. At least there was someone who was not involved, someone who would be able to console him, make him feel better without asking too many questions. This was the person he had resolved to walk towards a new beginning with. He was trustworthy. He would help. Jin was still on the floor, with his back to the wall, dead beat.

Tat-chan… Help me.

***

Silence could be deafening.

Motonao Koinishi stood upright, still as a statue, before the new boss that he had not yet grown to accept, and would never serve from the bottom of his heart. His expression was stoic and his gaze steely, his lips set in a thin line, signifying resolute indifference to the other man’s questioning.

Ueda Tatsuya’s patience was wearing thin.

The only reason he had allowed for Motonao to remain in his position of power was because of his reputation, ability, and influence that he commanded. But if this was the kind of behaviour the older man was going to show, Ueda would have no choice but to take drastic action.

“What exactly did you tell him?”

Ueda asked again, after a few minutes had passed without sound.

There was a flicker of something in Motonao’s eyes.

“I don’t know who you’re talking about.”

Ueda stood up, his eyes no more than mere slits, his chin tilted slightly upwards. He pushed his chair back and closed the distance between him and his subordinate.

“Oh yes you do, you understand me perfectly well. I’m talking about Kamenashi Kazuya.” He whispered, shooting a death glare at Motonao as the words rolled off his tongue.

It happened in an instant – the ghost of a smirk flashed across the other man’s face – so quickly that anyone else might have thought they imagined it, but Ueda did not.

“You have never been loyal to me, have you?” He said. “To be honest, I don’t care. You mean nothing to me. But then, if you’re going to do things behind my back that you think I won’t be able to find out about, you’re wrong.”

There was another pause.

Then Motonao began chuckling. “What if I say that it doesn’t matter even if you find out? Because… what’s done has been done. Isn’t that right?”

Ueda raised an eyebrow.

“Do you know where Kamenashi is now?”

“Ueda-san, haven’t you known me long enough to understand the way I work? As long as the ending is one that I desire, do you honestly think that I’ll waste time and effort on what goes on in between?”

Ueda did not reply to this.

“If there’s nothing else of which you require my assistance, I’ll be leaving now.”

He turned around to go, just as Ueda’s phone rang. It was unprecedented – who could possibly call him at this hour? It was in the wee hours of the morning.

Motonao turned around, his gaze landing almost immediately on the brightened screen of the hand phone, which Ueda snatched up from the table just a moment too late. Evidently, this had been something he had not expected either.

Now, that’s interesting.

Ueda did not answer the call, but merely hung up after he glanced at the name of the caller.

He doesn’t want to answer it with me around, does he?

“I’ll take my leave.”

And Motonao was gone.

But the damage has been done, Ueda Tatsuya. Now all I have to do is find out who this ‘Akanishi Jin’ is...

***

The child bobs above and below the surface of the water as its limbs grow weak from kicking to stay afloat. What used to be something that brought it joy had turned into a monster; a monster that could take its life whenever it wanted, once the child gave in.

It struggles as the part of its mind that is still functioning wonders how it could be that it did not see the warning signs from before, that it did not realize it would be in danger until things got so bad.

The water splashes against the sides of the tank.

From the other side of the glass, we see that the child id drowning. But we cannot do anything to save it.

***

He did not know when it really started, but Kamenashi Kazuya had grown to find security and peace in those nights he spent at Jin’s apartment, having the latter cook for him, watching television together as the hours grew late, resting on the same bed. It made him feel more normal than ever – not the son of an influential figure, not the heir to an organization that he did not wholeheartedly want to inherit, and certainly not an object of interest and play to some people.

“Have I ever told you that the time I feel most like an ordinary person is when I’m with you?” Kamenashi put down his book on the coffee table, as certain thoughts bubbled to the surface of his mind. Both of them had been curled up on opposite ends of the sofa, reading, that night – Jin, a book on Western cuisine, and Kame, a book on the art of war.

“What, you mean I don’t make you feel special?” Jin put down his book too, a playful grin suddenly on his face, earning him an eye-roll from the younger man.

“Maybe.”A small smile crept onto his face. “I’m tired, Jin.”

“I’m not surprised. You’ve had a long day. Your days are always long.”

“I don’t mean it that way.”

Jin looked into Kamenashi’s weary face, concerned. “Did something go wrong?”

Kamenashi shook his head. “I’m just tired of this lifestyle. I hate it that everything has to be so complicated, when it doesn’t need to be. It’s wearing me out, Jin. It really is.”

“You do know that you aren’t that simple either, don’t you?”

“Hey –”

“Okay, okay. I was just kidding.” Jin laughed. Then his tone became more serious. “But you can always come here when you’re feeling worn out, like you do now. I’ll always be around to hold your hand.” He reached for Kamenashi’s hand, interlocking their fingers as he said this. “Because… It’s the least I can do for you.”

There was something about Kamenashi there and then that made Jin think of a scared child who had found reassurance, a wounded animal that was relieved of its hurt. But then he was, as usual, quick to hide that helpless look from his expression.

Always so guarded…

“Thanks.” He replied, looking slightly more relaxed than before.

“Ne, Kazu.”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

There was a halt.

“Mm.” Kamenashi replied quietly, as he placed his head upon Jin’s shoulder, taking the book back into his hands once more.

[One-Shot] Under the Moonlight

2009-04-25T11:45:09Z

Genre: Romance
Rating: PG
Pairing: Akame
Summary: An unforgotten teenage passion, a secret meeting along the beach, under the moonlight.

All the lights in the house were out, as Akanishi Jin sat up slowly in the bed, careful not to wake the one beside him. It was midnight, and she was sleeping soundly. But of course she was, she had no need to worry. He would not allow her any unnecessary need for worry. He pulled an old jacket over the shirt he was wearing, and slipped into a pair of jeans, smoothing over the creases that he knew would be there, though they were invisible to his eye in the dark.

He crept out of his room, and checked on the other room, careful not to make a single sound. The toddler was asleep as well, he noted with relief, as he listened to its consistent breathing, making sure that nothing was out of order.

Then, he was off. Pulling a cap over his messy hair, he started his car and set off to his destination. It was past midnight, just as it always had been.

***

He had parked his car a distance away from his destination – the telltale signs would be too obvious if he were not meticulous enough. As he took a slow walk in the moonlight, he sighed, taking in all that he loved of his surroundings. The clean air that filled his nostrils, the sound of sand scraping against the soles of his shoes, the cool air that played with his hair…

Then he smelt the salty tang of seawater, and he knew that he was there.

Everything was naught but shadows of varying shades, swaying gently in the breeze, like mysterious figures coming alive. The stars were shining brightly that night, and as he walked onto the long patch of sand, he gazed in awe, as he always did, at the way the heavens seemed to drape right over the twinkling sea. There was no horizon, no line that divided both worlds, only a never-ending stretch, where everything seemed connected. The waves sloshed against the shore, and he suddenly felt calm, emancipated from all the other troubles of the world.

He stood by the sea for what seemed like a long while, admiring the scenery, waiting.

Waiting…

“Jin.” A voice called – a voice that seemed to blend in with the sounds of the ocean.

He recognized the voice, and turned around.

It was Kazuya, his shoulder-length hair dancing in the wind, his eyes sparkling just like the stars in the sky, just like the reflections in the water. His slim figure was barely illuminated by the round orb in the heavens – Jin could barely make out his features – but it did not matter. After all, this was a man he knew too well, with feelings rooted too deep.

Listening to the younger man’s quiet footsteps, he smiled, his back turned fully against the sea. He could be faced with the most beautiful of scenery, for all he cared; the only one that meant something to him now was Kazuya. He was smiling, and even though he could not see properly in the dimness, he was certain that Kazuya was, too. There was a second of stillness, interrupted only by the gush of the sea.

Then his fingers were running through Kazuya’s hair, and the other man’s arms were around his waist. They acted silently, slowly, in the blackness of the night, with carefully measured movements. Their lips touched gently, fleetingly, as they remained in each other’s embrace, as though in simple appreciation, and enjoyment of the moment.

Sometimes, Jin felt that this was what he lived for; the extraordinary spark in his otherwise mundane life. And he knew that Kazuya felt the same.

He remembered when they had both been teenagers, guided by nothing more than impulses, carried away by the thirst for adventure. That was how it had begun, and it had never stopped since.

There had been times where they had come close to breaking apart. How could two boys, let alone two men, fall for one another in such a way? It was wrong, it was immoral, and it was unnatural.

Wasn’t it?

He remembered when their friends had found out about their relationship, and tried to stop them from carrying on with it. Had they not wavered in their stance? Perhaps it was wrong, perhaps they ought to stop.

But we didn’t.

They had learnt to act, to pretend, to put up a false front. They were no more than two misguided children who had returned to their right paths in life. They dated girls, they behaved, around each other, the way they did around everyone else, they got married.

Yet, some feelings can’t be erased.

Jin did not know who ended their moment together first – the moment that seemed like it would carry on for eternity. All he knew was that his heart was full, recharged, once more as he lost himself in Kazuya’s eyes.

But alas, reality weighed on both their chests, and they knew they could not stay in their own world for long. For, they each bore the burden of their own worlds, and each carried the hopes of their special someone.

“I know; Maki-san’s waiting for you.” Jin stated plainly, the faintest of smiles written along the lines of his face.

“And Erika-san, for you.”

They watched each other for as long as they felt they could. If only time would stop for them, if only the night would never end.

“I’ll see you around.”

“Promise.”

And it was time to go. But they knew that they would meet again someday, when their hearts connected, when their souls spoke.

Under the moonlight.

Encore (Chapter 10)

2009-04-19T02:13:29Z

Kamenashi did not realize that he was running until the wind biting against his skin became too unbearable, and two dried streaks of tears had formed across his cheeks. He crumbled onto the sidewalk, oblivious to the strange glances that passer-bys threw in his direction, uncaring for anything else in the world. His hair was matted with sweat and his eyes puffy. He was a wreck, a complete wreck.

What have I done?

For nothing, he had screamed at Jin. For nothing, he had forgotten about whatever he had promised himself to do. For nothing, he had hurt the other man. He had lost every single chance of getting back at Jin for everything he had done. He was not fit to lead Cassis; what had Motonao been thinking?

But was he crying just because of that? Had he finally broken down because he had found that he was incapable of carrying out what was expected of him?

He thought about the night they spent on the hill together, the meals they had shared, the way Jin’s gaze always held tenderness, even though his actions were reserved. He thought about how Jin had been the one to stop the men at the bar from hitting him. How was it possible that a man who had orchestrated his fall could look at him with such raw emotion that night? He had been drowsy, but that expression on the older man’s face was priceless; it was something that he would never forget.

He could not control it – even at this hour, even when he had every reason to loath the man and blame him for everything that he was going through, his mind was drifting back to the memories that he shared with Akanishi Jin, and no one else. There was nothing else he could bring himself to think of. And the worst thing was, all of this made him want to die, to disappear from existence right that moment.

It was then that he recognized the heavy emotion in his chest as regret.

He did not know how long he had been kneeling on the sidewalk with his head bowed, feeling too weak to function anymore. He only knew that, when a pair of strong hands pulled him to his feet and supported him, walking him to an unknown destination, he could no longer summon the energy to resist.

***

Ueda Tatsuya sat alone in the hotel room, watching over the city in which he dwelled. The sky was pitch black that night, without a star in sight. It was far from his grasp, yet so were the people beneath him, the souls who operated each day without knowing that the power to track any of them down and use them to his own benefit lay in his and his hands alone. He was there, high above them, yet not high enough to be with the deities. He was there, all by himself.

Once upon a time, this was all he had desired. It was when Cassis had successfully infiltrated every single part of the city, spreading beyond that, even. He had wanted to be in control, to own the throne, to vanquish every single obstacle that lay in his path. But no one had told him that it would be this lonely to be up here alone.

Not his father, not… anyone else that mattered.

He still remembered the day he first set eyes on Kamenashi Kazuya. That boy had been an active teenager, always eager to show his abilities – the exact opposite of Ueda himself, who was more withdrawn, though no less talented.

Ueda had never fully understood the intentions of his father to bring Kamenashi into the picture; not until two years ago. To him, Kamenashi had been the ideal candidate of his right-hand man when he finally took over the organization from his father. And he knew that Kamenashi thought the same of him. What right had he to think that way, though?

They were like two tigers, each ferocious in their own manner, each the leader of their own gangs within the organization. But then there was something between them that even Ueda could not fathom. It was a kind of chemistry, a spark that would ignite each time they recognized the daring in each other’s eyes. Perhaps it was because that they appreciated each other for their abilities. Perhaps it was because they complemented each other in a way that even they did not want to admit. Perhaps it was because they possessed qualities the other did not have.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

They were always hostile around each other when in the company of others. Ueda never had the chance to speak to Kamenashi alone, though. It had, from the very beginning, been his father who acted as a medium between them. They were like two tigers – each kept in their own cage, kept safely away from each other.

… Until that fateful night.

It had been Kamenashi Kazuya’s eighteenth birthday, and he, being one of the two prospective heirs to the organization, naturally deserved a grand celebration. Unsurprisingly, Ueda did not wish to join in the party. Alone in his room in the villa that his father had owned, there he remained, pensive and quiet for the night with nothing more than a lone bottle of wine by his side.

No one else, he was certain, could appreciate vintage wine the way he did.

But all his certainties came crashing down that night.

He did not remember how Kamenashi had stumbled into his room, reeking of alcohol, smiling blandly at him for the first time as he took unsteady steps towards him. He did not remember, either, how he had been charmed, somehow, by the almost drunk man.

It was like he had been blinded before, and this was the first night where he saw the light at last. All he had focused on before was the flaws of the young man. How he had been bossy and anal, how he had always tried too hard to stay in the limelight, to please a father that was not his own. Ueda did not pretend that such actions did not disgust him. Maybe that was why he had always refused to take a good look at Kamenashi. Maybe that was why he had never noticed that the skinny man was actually…

… Rather attractive.

Ueda did not recall who broke the ice between them. But there had been something in Kamenashi’s unusually determined gaze, something in the way he moved, that pulled Ueda to him like a magnet. They were two men who saw the power that lay within each other, and that there was no one more worthy of themselves.

For that reason, each time their lips touched, it was like having a taste of forbidden fruit – and forbidden the relationship had been. They were enemies; they were held in high esteem. Only one of them was to survive, in the end. But then this also made things more interesting. And they both knew it.

When they awoke the following morning, fully aware of the consequences of their actions, there was no fear; only challenge.

And, possibly, a little more of something.

“You know what…? We should do this again sometime.”

***

What just happened?

Akanishi Jin no longer had the strength to pull himself together, to get back on his feet. He was tired, just too tired.

“I hate it when you victimize yourself like that…”

Jin squeezed his eyes shut and slammed a clenched fist onto the floor, finding himself hopelessly wishing that the pain in his knuckles would make him forget about the pain in his chest.

“You were the one who landed me in this state…”

He bit his lip, trying to stop himself from doing something to hurt himself, just to make himself feel better, to kill himself so that he would not have to experience anymore of that hurt. Why was he like that? Why was he always like that?

“Stop pretending that you don’t know anything…”

That settled it; there was no way this Kamenashi Kazuya was the same one that he had known and loved. How could it be? He had lost his memories, his personality and everything else that Jin had appreciated about him. The younger man had always been someone who protected Jin from hurt, not someone who caused him hurt in the first place.

Perhaps it was time he gave it up, once and for all.

He thought of Ueda, who he had finally grown to accept.

Perhaps, it was time he embraced a new life.

***

Kamenashi awoke to find himself in surroundings that felt vaguely familiar. He was starting to get tired of these familiar vibes. It looked like the inside of a house, and he was lying on a couch. The smell of the place made him sick, though it was not unpleasant, and everything was in dimness. It was not the same kind of familiarity that Jin’s apartment held for him, though. It felt like something more recent; it was a place he had been to shortly before that night at the bar, before Jin made his appearance.

His head was spinning, and he looked around, trying to spot the person who had brought him back from the streets. There was no one, or so he thought, until he heard some sounds and saw the opening of a door at one of the other corners of the room.

“Kazuya, you’re awake.”

It was a middle-aged man.

“Who’re you?”

“You don’t remember me?”

The man sat down beside Kamenashi on the couch, the proximity between them too close for comfort. Kamenashi raked his mind, determined to make sense of this, at least.

“Kazuya?” The man called again.

Then it hit him.

It had been someone he had met before Jin came by.

***

Ueda Tatsuya was roused from his thoughts by the beeping of his cell phone.

Ichihara Yusuke.

“Speak.”

“He’s gone.”

“What do you mean?”

“When we got to the apartment as you instructed, he was not there anymore. The ones who got there first told me that they saw a figure running from the building, but they couldn’t be sure if it was him. But when we checked the apartment, only Akanishi was there.”

There was a pause as Ichihara waited for further commands, and as Ueda took this in.

“What about Akanishi?”

“Asleep. On the floor. We have our ways of checking.”

“And Kamenashi?”

“They’re looking for him.”

Ueda pursed his lips and leant back in his chair. He pressed a button on the cell, and the line went dead. Something felt amiss in this situation, like a missing piece in a puzzle. Kamenashi would not have picked a fight with Akanishi that easily. He would not have run. Not unless there had been something to aggravate him. But then no one knew enough to be able to agitate him anyway.

Only…

He dialed a number.

“Ichihara.”

“Yes?”

“Get Motonao Koinishi here.”

Encore (Chapter 9)

2009-04-14T12:12:51Z

The baby is wading in the tank now, the water reaching its waist as it discovers the feeling of being in a different medium, as it waves its arms around, trying to propel itself forward in the liquid.

It’s enjoying itself. After all, this was a good thing to happen, was it not? It was beyond its control, but it was not causing any hurt.

The child giggles as the water level increases again, without its notice. .

***

When Kamenashi returned to the apartment, it was night time already, and Jin had just finished washing the dishes. He knew that he probably looked a mess, from all that aggravation in his chest, from the thoughts weighing down his head, and from that little muffled voice at the back of his mind, telling him the wrong things to feel, the wrong things to do.

“Hey, you’re back.” Jin greeted him with a small smile when he heard the sound of the door opening, not even realizing that Kamenashi had entered without a key. Kamenashi, on the other hand, remained painfully aware of this fact.

Why is he faking it so well?

There it was again, the mixed signals. His heart and mind were telling him two different things, and his skull was hurting again.

“Ne, are you okay?” He heard Jin’s voice again, looking blankly in his direction and not taking in what he was saying, still preoccupied. What did this man really want? Why was he acting as though he cared?

Who was he to me?

Then Kamenashi felt a warm hand on his shoulder and threw it off roughly, instinctively, before regaining focus and seeing Jin flinch.

Is he really concerned, or…?

“I’ve… I kept some food for you, just in case you didn’t have your dinner.” Jin said at last, trying to get over the awkward moment.

“I don’t need your leftovers.” Kamenashi replied, perhaps a little faster than he had intended to. He tried to ignore the concerned frown on Jin’s face as he pushed the other man aside and made his way back to the room.

Then something made him stop in his tracks. Jin had spoken again, quickly, as though wanting to clear up the misunderstanding. However, his words did not have the intended effect.

“Kazu, they’re not leftovers.”

There was a pause as Kamenashi took this in.

“What did you just call me?”

Only at this did Jin seem to realize that he had let slip, by accident, his old way of addressing Kamenashi. It was a mixture of loss, of apprehension, that Kamenashi saw in the older man’s face. Was he so intimidating, that Jin had to look at him this way?

What the hell am I thinking? Why do I even care about how he sees me at such a moment?

“I’m sorry. I –” Jin stammered, as though desperately trying to appease the other man.

Why don’t I want him to be afraid of me? Is he doing this because he knows that I hate it?

Then something in Kamenashi snapped.

“You’re sorry? For what? For screwing over my life right from the beginning? For being the reason I’m like this today? For doing all those things that you never even meant in the first place?” The words came out before he could stop them, harsh and biting.

He did not know how Akanishi Jin would take this; neither did he know what he wanted the man to do in response. Throw him out of the house? Break down in tears? Shout back at him?

Jin opened his mouth to reply, but Kamenashi cut across him before he could even voice a single word.

“Maybe you shouldn’t be sorry. Maybe you meant everything you did to me right from the start. Maybe you’re only trying to do me in.”

The fear vanished from Jin’s expression as it was replaced by one of anger – Anger in a way that Kamenashi had not anticipated, anger that he could not find an exact reason for.

“Maybe you’re right, maybe I shouldn’t be sorry.” Jin began after a while, his voice low and shaky. “Maybe I shouldn’t have pretended that I wanted you back in my life. You were nothing good. I knew you were nothing good. You were nothing more than a selfish bastard that I should have said goodbye to a long time ago.” His tone was rising now as the resentment that had lain at the back of his mind began bubbling to the surface, like a monster rearing its ugly head.

These words had a larger impact on Kamenashi than he could have imagined.

Why?

Why were his eyes growing wet, why was a lump forming in his throat? Why was he feeling things for a man who had hurt his comrades, who had intended nothing to him other than malice?

“You know something? I hate it when you victimize yourself like that.” He shoved Jin to the wall and hit him straight on his cheek, hard.

That was it.

Jin threw an unexpectedly sharp punch back in his direction, and he stumbled.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” He shouted, before grabbed a fistful of Kamenashi’s hair, flinging him towards the couch, where he landed, crumpled.

“You barge into my life, screw with it as you please, and pretend that you were responsible for none of it. And you dare say that I victimize myself, when you’re the one responsible for everything?”

Jin marked each line that he said with a punch to Kamenashi’s stomach, each clenched fist delivering a blow harder than the previous. Somehow, he wished that he could relish in every pained groan he heard in response. Yet why was it so hard to feel triumphant at last, to feel that he was getting back only what he deserved after all this time? Everything that was happening now was wrong, as wrong as the things Kamenashi was saying. It was not supposed to happen this way; it had never happened this way.

“You were the one who landed me in this state. Stop pretending that you don’t know anything. You took away everything I had from me. Mark my words: I’ll have my revenge someday.” Kamenashi growled, trying with all his might to get back on his feet, his gaze manic, his breathing ragged.

Jin froze at these words, perhaps in shock from the pure vengeance he felt from the younger man’s tone. Or perhaps, it was because of the meaning behind them. Why was it that he suddenly did not understand the other man’s intentions? Then, before he could react, he felt a hand close around his throat, pushing him back against the wall once more and pinning him against it forcefully.

“I know everything now. You were the reason Cassis fell. You plotted against me. You and that scheming boyfriend of yours.” Kamenashi’s voice was rough, with a slight edge, and Jin hated it. What was he talking about? Why was he suddenly behaving like that? Why had be been stupid enough to take him back in after all? “I’ll take back whatever you made me lose. And more. No matter what it costs.”

Jin tried to speak, to tell him that he did not know what he was talking about anymore, but he could do little more than splutter, as the hand remained firmly clenched round his windpipe. It was getting hard to breathe; his head was getting heavy…

Then it all stopped.

Kamenashi was gone.

The door slammed shut, and Jin, with his back against the wall, sank to the floor and coughed, trying to stop the tears from forming. A layer of sweat covered his skin, and he was trembling. The words that he had heard just moments ago reverberated in his head, like cries that he could not erase, echoing endlessly.

What just happened?

***

The water level is reaching the child’s neck now, and it is no longer smiling as brightly as before.

It is starting to feel strangled, and we watch from a distance, as it tries to maintain its balance in the deep water, like a fish trapped in a tank. Each time it bends its knees or slips, it struggles harder, coughing and choking.

It is no longer smiling as it tries to swim.

And we continue to observe from far, passive.

***

Jin could tell that it had been a long and tiring day for Kamenashi the moment he saw the latter when he allowed him into his apartment that night. It was obvious; from the way he had spoken little, obliged when Jin suggested that he take a shower before resting, and smelt vaguely of cigarette smoke. It was as though he was an animal seeking a secure home to recover after a long, dangerous escapade.

He had done whatever he could to make thing easier for the younger man, preparing a clean set of clothes for him, then opening a bottle of Cabernet-Sauvignon, filling the two crystal goblets that he had been given with the red wine. It was not a taste that cost as much as what Kamenashi often drank, but it was decent all the same, and he knew that the other man would appreciate it.

Jin was proven right when an expression of relief crossed his lover’s face at the sight of the clothes that had been picked out for him, and that of approval when he detected the scent of his favourite form of alcohol. They were lounging side by side on the bed, leaning against the wall and sipping the wine, relaxed, when Kamenashi finally felt loosened up enough to talk.

“Hey.” He said softly, like he was addressing the glass in his hand rather than the person beside him.

“Hm?” Jin replied, his mind slightly clouded from the dimness of his surroundings and the wine he had taken.

“You’re getting smarter.” He chuckled.

“And I wasn’t smart to begin with, huh?” Jin replied in mock protest, only to have Kamenashi clink his wine glass against his, smiling playfully.

“I see that we now have an understanding.”

Jin wrinkled his nose and turned away, taking a larger sip than he intended from his glass.

“Someone’s getting angry.” Kamenashi said in an annoying, slightly sing-song voice, and Jin was suddenly reminded of the child he had used to be, his heart filling with affection inexplicably.

“Someone isn’t –”

Jin was interrupted before he could continue, however, by the sharp ring tone of Kamenashi’s handphone. The younger man immediately placed the wine glass back on the bedside table and walked out of the room to answer the call, mumbling in urgent tones. The comfortable atmosphere a while ago had vanished in an instant, and this made Jin uneasy. Things like that seemed to be happening more often than usual, and it did not seem to bode well.

“I’ve got to go.” Kamenashi said the moment he reentered the room.

Jin merely nodded, trying to mask his disappointment, pretending that he had not been hoping that Kamenashi would stay despite circumstances. Yet, he knew that there was no point in this. The other man had his priorities – and he was to respect them.

Then he watched as his boyfriend changed back into his own clothes and forced a thin-lipped smile when he gave him a swift peck on the cheek before leaving.

But his heart remained heavy.

He had always considered himself a lucky person. Luck was when things that were beyond your control proceeded in your favour. He had always believed, from young, that he had been lucky to find a good job, lucky to be able to manage his own life without much difficulty, lucky to have met Kamenashi, even if it cost him more than he had imagined.

Yet, that night, it was the first time a silver of doubt crossed his mind.

Was it really a lucky thing?

Encore (Chapter 8)

2009-04-06T10:21:53Z

Kamenashi bent down, moving close to the man’s face. A cigarette in his mouth, his eye sparked with triumph as the he watched the man grimace, crumpled against the chair. His face was covered in bruises – the excellent work of Motonao and his henchmen. Taking a long draw from the cigarette, Kamenashi brought it away from his lips and exhaled into the man’s face slowly, deliberately. Then he spoke, his voice a low and dangerous whisper.

“If you don’t give me what I ask for…” He trailed off here, flicking a trace of ash into his victim’s eye casually. “…There’ll be consequences.”

The man turned away, his mouth resolutely shut. But his resolve was weakening by the second. There were limits to everything, and how much a person could handle. This was no exception.

Kamenashi raised an eyebrow, and signaled for his men to come forth. They did, one of them holding the man still for the other to deliver two sharp slaps against his cheekbone. There was a splatter of blood as one of his older wounds tore. Kamenashi brought his last finger to the gash on the side of his face, tracing along it lightly before digging into it, hard. His finger was stained with fresh blood, and his cold expression a stark contrast to that of his victim’s pained one.

“How was he related to my father?” He breathed, sensing his advantage and pressing three fingers squarely against the man’s windpipe, increasing the pressure with each passing moment of silence. He could almost feel the air being squeezed from the man’s lungs, the slow suffocation of his breathing channel.

One, two, three –

“He – he was your father’s illegitimate son.”

Kamenashi released the man, who promptly lay slumped, wheezing. He straightened up upon finally receiving the answer he had needed to hear, and turned to the two men by his side.

“You heard him.”

They nodded and left the room. There was no one left but the two of them; Kamenashi, the young heir to ‘Cassis’, and the elderly man, forced out of retirement, who used to work by his father’s side.

The man was trembling.

“What are you going to do with me now?”

It was almost as though he knew that he had, at last, lost all value in the eyes of the young man. He was afraid – of what would be coming next.

What means would people like him stoop to, Kamenashi wondered, in preserving their own miserable lives? He took another pull from the cigarette while savoring the tension in the air. This man had no one to account to, no family to take care of – Nothing but his own filthy ass to cover for. But he had chosen to betray the secret of another, just to end his own suffering.

Disgusting.

Kamenashi knew that the man’s answer would do nothing more than reaffirming what he had already known. It did not mean anything to him from the start. (Call it a habit of his to be extra careful with his actions.) But it had been interesting to see how far this man went before giving in. Interesting, indeed.

His illegitimate son, huh?

Kamenashi pursed his lips and withdrew a pistol from his waistband. The man flinched.

“You – you – don’t you dare. I gave you what you wanted. You can’t just–”

He took aim at his target – just another round at the shooting range.

Bang.

The man fell to the ground, blood flowing endlessly from the newly formed hole in his skull.

Kamenashi let the cigarette drop from his fingers and land on the man’s deathly pale cheek, which was slowly being dyed a crimson red. Then he lifted one of his freshly polished heels and stepped on it, putting out the once fiery glow. The dead man’s flesh was soft and limp under his shoe.

Game over.

***

“Tat-chan, he’s just an old friend.”

“Just an old friend?”

Kamenashi held his breath, waiting by the door, straining to hear the next lines of their conversation.

“Un.”

“And you let him stay in your house unconditionally. How generous.”

Even though Kamenashi could only see the profiles of the two other men, he was almost able to imagine Jin’s pained frown at the sound of his next words.

“He… doesn’t mean anything to me. Not in that way. Why can’t you believe me?”

Kamenashi suddenly became aware of the crease on his forehead. What was that contracted feeling in his chest? Disappointment? Had he been expecting something? Why should he have had been expecting anything?

“Prove it, then.”

Nothing happened for a few minutes. Then he watched, with another unexplainable sinking feeling in his stomach, as Ueda leant across the table, cupping Jin’s cheek in one of his palms, and then bringing their faces closer to each other…

***

“Prove it, then.”

Jin had not seen this coming.

He tensed in his seat as his boyfriend drew close, and his pulse was racing when the other man rested his hand along his jaw, lifting his chin slightly in a firm motion. He did not dare to avoid it this time, for there was no reason for rejection anymore. Who was he, to ask for understanding when things had come to such a stage? Ueda had been accommodating from the start; he had not asked of anything more than just the acknowledgement of their relationship, mutual trust that existed between the two of them.

It was this trust that could no longer be guaranteed.

Part of him wanted to turn away, to remove the touch of Ueda’s fingers from his skin. But then another part of him knew that if that was what he chose to do, their relationship would end, and so would the life that he had painstakingly rebuilt over the years.

I can’t have that happening. Not now, not at a time like this…

His mind flashed back to Kamenashi, with whom he was now distant. Something in him had still not overcome that old sense of affection. It was hard to teach an old Jin new tricks, he supposed. But it hurt, and there was no point in pretending otherwise. It hurt that Kamenashi had not displayed any signs of emotion at whatever Jin had tried to do. He did not remember, nor did he appear to wish to remember, anything of their past.

There was no returning to those days anymore… Right?

And so, he allowed his body to be guided – his heart, though, still feeling like a compass gone awry. He did not resist – not a single bit – when Ueda kissed him full on the lips.

But then, he did not feel anything from this advancement in their relationship either; nothing but a twinge of regret, and a sense that there was no turning back.

Is this what I really want?

***

Kamenashi closed the door quickly and left the apartment building without anyone’s notice. What was with all this fooling around with his emotions? What was with the emotional rollercoaster? Why was nothing within his grasp?

Akanishi Jin, what are you trying to do to me?

Jin was the one responsible for everything, was he not? Everything that Kamenashi had been forced to endure – it was his fault. It was his entire fault.

He’s playing you like a puppet.

When Kamenashi returned to the park, he collapsed onto the nearest empty bench that he found. Ought he go back to the apartment, and face the man he could now only identify as his enemy? His subconscious mind told him that he had an advantage – there was no way of Akanishi Jin knowing that he had found out the truth, was there? He could easily get back there and turn the tables against that pretentious man, and…

And… and… and what?

He struggled to stop himself from pulling at his hair in frustration, from screaming in rage.

He’s got you wrapped around his pinky, and you didn’t even realize it.

But he was certain about one thing: Akanishi Jin did not know. He could not have known that Motonao had found him. He could not have known, or he would have taken action against the traitor already. He had been too preoccupied with his little, two-timing boyfriend.

Was that why Ueda Tatsuya had known who he was from the start? Was it because of Akanishi? Or was it part of the grand plan, right from the beginning? Was it part of Akanishi’s grand plan to confuse him, to play him like a piano?

He needed to get back to that house and stay close to the enemy. There was no better solution at the moment, and he knew it.

Kamenashi felt revolted.

You know what? You’re fighting a losing battle when you can’t even summon the hatred you need.

***

It had been one of those days again. Jin had been in the midst of setting the dining table when the tell-tale ringing of Kamenashi’s cell phone sounded. He snuck a glance towards the living room, watching a distasteful expression flash across younger man’s face before answering the call.

Jin had never known Kamenashi to be one who spoke in harsh, business-like tones. Yet, he could only imagine that this was how the man worked in his organization, whatever it was. He called the shots, and did so well. It was like looking at a side of his lover that he never had the chance to see, and did not particularly want to come into contact with.

This man was not the passionate, firm person whose shoulders he knew would always be there for him to lean on. The man before his eyes was indifferent, hard-hearted and even aggressive. He could sense it, simply from the shift in attitude of the man he was so inexplicably attracted to.

“There’s no need for you to know.”

Those had been the words of Kamenashi each time he questioned him about the mysterious phone calls of late. Maybe he was right. Jin stood to gain nothing out of finding out the truth, anyway. This belonged to a world far away from his, a world that he was not meant to step into.

He set the two plates of curry rice on the dining table, eyeing the younger man closely for any indication of what was going on.

Then Kamenashi hung up.

The next moment, Jin found himself cornered, one of his wrists caught in a vice-grip, held up by the side of his head against the wall. Recovering quickly from the shock, he found his voice.

“Kazu, what’s the matter?”

He tried to free himself from the other man’s hold and failed.

“If there came a day in the future where I can no longer stay by your side, what would you do?”

Jin stopped moving, as something close to fear coursed through his blood, and a sense of insecurity crept up his spine. He could not be serious about what he was saying.

“Where – Where’re you planning to go?”

Kamenashi smiled at the worried look on Jin’s face.

“Nowhere, for now. I just wanted to know.”

This did little to set Jin’s mind at ease.

“You’re trying to tell me that you’ll be leaving me someday, right?”

A short pause.

“Not if I can help it.”

Jin tried to stop himself from looking vulnerable, from looking helpless. He hated the feeling of victimizing himself all the time. But then it was useless trying to hide – Kamenashi could read him like a book.

“But… why are you leaving?”

“Ssh…” Kamenashi brushed the tip of his nose against Jin’s. “I’m still here, aren’t I? There’s no need to worry about things that won’t happen. There’s no need to know.”

But… Isn’t there?

Encore (Chapter 7)

2009-04-05T06:49:27Z

He had sent men to wait by the apartment building that Kamenashi always delivered flowers to in the past. These were the only ones still on their old boss’ side, the only ones who had never really believed in the schism. They acted, deceived, and worked for their new leader; but they also covered up for Motonao as he did his research – underground.

Kamenashi Kazuya had gone missing a few years ago, and he needed to get the younger man back. If Kamenashi had been a forceful leader, this was little compared to what the members had to go through now. Ueda Tatsuya was more than forceful. He stopped at no means to get what he wanted, even if it meant the death of others.

There had been many rumors going round since the power-shift in the organization, so many that no one knew which to believe anymore. But one thing that Motonao had discovered to be true was the rumor concerning his young boss’ secret lover, a boy that he had supposedly been courting for a long time, someone away from his own society. Pursuing the matter had proven to be the right choice, for it had led him to the right person in the end.

The only thing was that, he was not the first to the scene.

***

The eagle was safe at last. There were no screams to wake it from its sleep, no beatings to form new gashes along its wings. Its feathers were not ruffled anymore, and its eyesight was slowly recovering. The dirt was gone from its skin, and the fear, subsiding from its heart.

It awakes to find itself lying on clean, polished floor. The blurred outline of the world it used to see was gone, replaced by the sharpest of images. It gets to its feet slowly with newfound strength.

But it is also then that it notices the thick, dark bars of metal surrounding it, each beside the next, lined in a never-ending circle…

***

“Now, that’s a long story.”

Kamenashi watched Motonao as he spoke in measured tones. It was evident that their meeting that day had not been coincidental. The other man had been keeping track of him, waiting for the right time to reveal himself. There was something about all this secrecy that made Kamenashi yearn to find out the truth – fast. But then nothing came without a price. It was something that he had picked up even within the short period of life that he could remember.

“You want something from me, don’t you?”

“Still as blunt as ever, I see.”

This did not sound promising at all.

“If you’re not planning to tell me what I wish to know, I’m afraid I’ll have to end our meeting here.”

Motonao smiled knowingly. Why did it seem that, although he wanted something from Kamenashi, he knew exactly how to manipulate his words, to leave the younger man hanging, to make sure that everything went according to his plan?

“In that case, then, perhaps I shall accede to your request.”

Kamenashi waited as the man appeared to contemplate his next words. He had to be careful around this man, no matter how much it seemed like he did not mean any actual harm.

“Does the name ‘Cassis’ ring a bell?”

The young man paused. Yes and no.

“Wine.”

He uttered the word without thinking, and frowned inwardly when he realized this. Why did he know such details? Was it a trick-question?

“Yes… and no.”

An enigmatic reply. Kamenashi decided to hold his quiet in response, waiting for elaboration.

“You’ve always had a fascination with alcohol; do you remember?”

“Maybe.”

‘Les amouresses’… The wine glasses at Jin’s apartment… Were those items related to the alcohol that he was told he loved? Were they related to him in the past? Was that why he felt drawn to them in inexplicable ways? This stranger was no one to tell him of his life before it had become what it was now. He had no reason to believe. But still…

“’Cassis’, you used to say, was a common taste in the wine you always drank. It was something small, something almost insignificant to people, but yet, it was something whose flavour remained, even in the pungent mixture of the other ingredients.” A wan smile lifted the corner of Motonao’s lips as he said these words, probably, Kamenashi thought, reminiscing days of power that were never to be seen again.

He turned to face the younger man, who looked back at him silently, with that unreadable expression of his. “It was what you once called our organization. ‘Cassis’.” He said the last word slowly, letting it roll off his tongue in a smooth breath, like he was savouring the taste of being able to speak the name again.

“Cassis.” Kamenashi repeated, careful to keep any trace of emotion from his voice. Maybe he knew what the other man wanted now. Or maybe he did not. Could he be suggesting that Kamenashi used to be the head of an organization? What kind of organization was it? Why the need to approach him in this manner?

Something felt amiss, somehow. Was this all a prank? Was he only being told part of his story?

“I never thought I’d hear you say that word again.”

“What do you want from me?”

“Return to the organization. Bring ‘Cassis’ back to life.”

“I’m no longer the man you knew.”

Saying these words reminded him of Jin. It was a feeling that always hovered about the back of his mind when they came into contact with each other. It was the same way that he had the urge to tell Jin that there was no need to treat him so well. But then something always forbade him from doing so. Was he simply reluctant in cutting ties with his savior? Or was it something more? Something that used to be hidden, but that was also slowly surfacing from the depths of his soul?

Kamenashi tried to suppress the mounting frustration in his heart. This was not the right time to be getting angry at anything.

“Does it really matter? Your personality remains. I can see it in your eyes.”

Does it really matter?

He deliberated over this for a while, thoughts of his relation to Jin momentarily driven from his mind.

He was but a homeless nobody; someone who had only just found his links to the different corners of society in the most mysterious ways. First Akanishi Jin, then Ueda Tatsuya, now Motonao Koinishi. Not to mention the other men at the bar. They knew something he did not. He had been living alone on the streets, without the care of others for as long as he could recall. Life had been hard. It had always been hard. But then again, his childhood, his days of youth, were a resolute blank. Something had happened in between. He must have had forgotten a crucial bit of his life.

Did it really matter? Was it necessary to revert back to the kind of person he had been before?

“What has happened to this ‘Cassis’ you speak of?”

Another smile – but it seems slightly forced, and Kamenashi saw, for the first time, the lines on the older man’s face that spoke of difficult days.

“What do you think? ‘Cassis’ exists only when you do.”

“Why?”

“It belonged to you. It was your baby. Don’t you understand? You were our leader.”

“But I no longer am, and you know it. Why do you seek me? Is there no one who has risen to the occasion?”

“There was one who did.”

“Who?”

“That man was someone close to you, but he didn’t rise to the occasion. He was the one responsible for the ‘occasion’ in the first place. We need you back to put things right.”

These words made him feel ill at ease, but he could not think of a reason for it to be so. Maybe there were some things he was better off not knowing…

“Why are you giving up this information to me so easily?”

“I assumed you’d be intelligent enough to know what to do from hearing this.”

What a frank reply.

Kamenashi scrutinized the man seated beside him. It was a challenge from him, was it not? He still saw the ability in him.

So what if it matters?

“Tell me, then, how was that man related to me?”

***

Akanishi Jin had sensed that something was wrong from the moment Ueda stepped into his residence. Granted, they had never exactly been intimate before, but there seemed to be a gulf between them that day, and it made him feel uneasy. Had it always been like that, or did this only happen after Kamenashi had reappeared?

The atmosphere made him increasingly flustered that evening. He tried his best to concentrate on not doing anything stupid.

They ate in silence that night. Silence – a sound that Jin was slowly growing unaccustomed to.

When they finally finished their meal, Jin opened his mouth to speak. Ueda beat him to it, however, and hearing the other man’s voice almost made him want to sigh in relief. That was, until he realized what his boyfriend was driving at.

“I think we’re not getting anywhere in this relationship.”

His words came harsh and sharp. Jin froze. Was this what he thought it meant?

“What are you talking about?” He asked, almost afraid of the reply he would receive. He must have had done something to piss Ueda off, in light of everything that had happened recently.

Please don’t. Not at a time like this…

“That guy you picked off the streets – he wasn’t just a nobody like you told me, right?”

So that was the problem.

Jin nearly heaved a sigh of relief, but stopped himself at sight of Ueda’s unhappy gaze. Of course, why had he not anticipated it? He had another man living in his apartment – how could Ueda not get angry, given who they were to each other?

“Tat-chan, he’s just an old friend.”

“Just an old friend?”

“Un.”

***

Kamenashi raised a fist to knock on the door to Jin’s apartment, but stopped himself in time.

Ueda Tatsuya should still be inside.

The words of Motonao Koinishi reverberated in his mind, and his head was spinning from everything that he had just been told. The man who had plotted his expulsion from his own organization had been someone closest to him, the man had said. Yet, he had refused to speak the name of the new leader.

“If I do, it’ll be like acknowledging his realm of power. It doesn’t matter. He’s already found his way to you.”

It doesn’t matter. He’s already found his way to you.

It was someone who knew him inside out, someone who recognized and appreciated his influence, and at the same time wanted to conquer him. It was someone whom he had a special bond with, someone that he had affection for.

That someone was someone from his dark past, the cause of his plight.

Who else could it be?

There had to be a reason for all his mixed emotions and feelings of déjà vu when he was around that man. There had to be a reason he could read a supposed stranger so easily, and a reason for how that supposed stranger knew his preferences.

So he knew the reason now.

Yet, this knowledge did not make him feel empowered. What he felt was only an odd sense of emptiness.

It was Akanishi Jin.

He blinked, and decided to give the doorknob an experimental turn instead of barging in on the couple. He did not feel ready to face Jin yet, despite everything. Maybe he could still hang around in his little sphere of delusion for a while more. Maybe just for another night.

Such a wimp, Kamenashi. You’re such a wimp.

The door, surprisingly, opened, and even at a time like this, Kamenashi subconsciously marveled at Jin’s ability to be so careless with details like this. He peered through a crack, and saw that the couple were seated at the dining table. No chance of entering unnoticed.

He was about to close the door and spend the night back at the park instead when he heard voices.

“Tat-chan, he’s just an old friend.”

“Just an old friend?”

Kamenashi hesitated. They were not talking about him, were they?

Encore (Chapter 6)

2009-03-29T10:38:45Z

The eagle struggles with all its might against the arms that hold it down. That is before it sees, through misty vision, the man’s face. It does not recognize him as an enemy.

The eagle relaxes slightly, and allows itself to be taken. The man roughly drags the eagle along as he walks, and it hurts to be pulled along the bumpy ground.

It’s not an enemy…

Or is it?

***

Jin had let Kamenashi use the bathroom first, as he always used to do. In the meantime, he wandered about his own apartment, thinking about how long it had last been since he had taken a good look at his various possessions.

He remembered how difficult it used to be to refrain from being reminded of Kamenashi each time he caught eye of random objects – his bed, his dining table, or even the morning papers, which the younger man had a habit of flipping through after breakfast.

Jin never noticed how much his apartment had changed over the past years until that second – and how much still remained the same. He walked to the glass cupboard near his dining table and stood by it for a while, as some of that old confusion and hesitance stirred within his soul.

The sound of running water could still be heard from his room.

Without really thinking about what he was doing, Jin removed a ring of keys from his pocket. The keys to his house, his car…

Picking out the second smallest among the few, he unlocked the cabinet.

It was a slightly musty smell that met his nose; the tang of items that had been kept away for too long. Wiping his hands on his shirt, he took one of the goblets in his fingers and allowed that wave of memories overwhelm him once more.

***

Kamenashi had never needed the keys to Jin’s apartment – perhaps it was because the latter was always there, waiting for him to arrive. It was the same case a week after they had visited the hill.

The younger man had never once failed in reading the emotions of his love interest. And that was also the reason for his surprise when Jin had greeted him with what appeared to be disinterest that night.

Only one way to find out.

He laid the box in his hands on the coffee table and slipped an arm firmly around Jin’s waist, nearing their distance and running his thumb over those breathtaking features gently, comfortingly.

“Tell me what happened.”

Jin stared into his eyes for what felt like eternity, looking more lost than he ever had. If Kamenashi had merely been interested in the older man before, this small feeling of attraction had undoubtedly grown in size over time. Or maybe, it had even evolved into something else – something stronger. How could he have missed it?

“I got fired.”

Oh.

“I thought you never really liked that job anyway.”

“Complaining about it doesn’t mean I wanted to give up on it…”

“So you like things that you complain about?”

“I mean, a while back, I was all set for a promotion –”

But of course, it was all because of that promotion again.

“And much ‘a while back’ was that?”

He knew from the arrested expression on Jin’s face that it was right before his appearance in Jin’s life. There was a pregnant pause. Kamenashi let go of Jin, who narrowed his eyes at him, defensive and hurt.

“I get it.” Kamenashi shrugged and tried to look passive as he turned to leave. Why had he even thought of doing something nice for Jin in return in the first place?

“Wait!” The other man blurted almost immediately as Kamenashi looked away. What was with that fearful gaze every time he saw the younger man get angry? “I… I didn’t mean it that way.”

“How did you mean it, then?” Kamenashi looked over his shoulder, a challenging glint in his eye.

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t need your apologies.”

“But…”

“If there’s nothing else you have to say, I’m leaving.”

“Wait!”

Jin called out again, only to flinch at other’s glare before timidly picking up the bag on the coffee table.

“You forgot about this…”

Was it just his imagination or did Kamenashi’s expression soften at the sight of the paper bag?

“Did you honestly think I brought that along for fun?”

Jin frowned at him for a moment, confused. Then his eyes widened a little, in an animated impression of surprise. Kamenashi felt the irritation from just now ebb away, in spite of everything.

“It’s for me?”

“Baka.” He smiled at last.

“I –”

“Open it.”

Jin complied, and his eyes grew round with wonder when he saw the contents of the box that the bag carried. It was a pair of wine glasses, their polished surfaces reflecting the slightest of lights, made from the finest crystal; they were nothing beneath the expectations of one who only desired the best.

“They’re really for me?”

“If you don’t want them, I suppose I could always find someone else who did.”

Kamenashi placed the glasses back in their box slowly as he spoke those words, knowing the reply that would come after which.

“No, wait, I do want them!”

Jin grabbed Kamenashi’s wrist, and their eyes met. The latter smirked as he gently pried his arm from the older man’s grip.

“You can always find another job, you know?”

“I know. But –” Jin opened his mouth to argue, but Kamenashi shook his head.

“And if you can’t find a job…” He stopped for a fraction of a second here to stare Jin squarely in the eye. “Do you think that I’d ever allow you to starve?”

***

Jin suddenly became aware of the fact that he was smiling to himself, and quickly rearranged his features, as though afraid he would be found. Then, feeling uneasy, he locked the cupboard again and looked in the direction of his room, only to find Kamenashi by the doorway, watching him.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you were done?”

Kamenashi raised an eyebrow, as if the answer were the most obvious thing in the world. “You looked too absorbed in admiring the wine glasses.”

I hope he didn’t see me grinning like an idiot…

“Planning to have your boyfriend over for dinner tonight, aren’t you?”

“What?” Jin was taken aback by the comment for a moment; then he remembered that Kamenashi had heard his conversation with Ueda on the car. “No, actually –”

“A home-made dinner with wine. Sure sounds romantic. Don’t worry, I’ll make myself scarce.”

Sure was romantic… Jin found himself unconsciously thinking. His mind was threatening to make another trip down memory lane as those words. He snapped back to his senses, however, when he noticed what Kamenashi was wearing – a fitting green shirt under a black and white checkered parka, matched with an old pair of jeans. This scene looked oddly familiar.

“How’d you manage to find those clothes?” He asked slowly.

“I got them from the top shelf of your wardrobe.”

Jin hesitated. Those particular pieces were only kept there because Kamenashi had once liked wearing them so much that Jin had decided to put them aside specially. Only Kamenashi of the old would have known where to get them.

He had found them by chance, hadn’t he?

How come he still remembered little things like this now? Could it be that he had not completely forgotten everything about his past? Or was he recovering slowly?

***

Kamenashi seemed to realize how abnormal it had been that he knew where many things were in the apartment without being told. The previous question about his actual relationship with Jin bubbled to the surface of his thoughts again. Jin was watching him curiously, as though contemplating some things of his own. Had he, perhaps, come to the same realization that Kamenashi had?

“I can find something else to wear, if you’d like.”

Kamenashi made to take off the parka, but Jin shook his head swiftly.

“It’s alright. Keep them. You look good in them.”

If you say so.

“Right. I’ll get going now.”

“Where to?”

“I don’t see why it’s any of your business, as long as I’m not getting in your way.” Kamenashi could never hold back his biting replies whenever probing questions came his way. It was something he had noticed of late. Had he used to be that way?

“But it could get–”

“Get what?”

Dangerous.

“Nothing.”

Kamenashi left. Jin felt a clench in his chest despite himself. Some things never changed. That man still had the same effect on him, after all this time. He sighed. A home-made dinner sounded good, now that he mentioned it. Dialing Ueda’s number, he unwittingly felt a pang of regret as the calling tone repeated itself in his ears.

You never really get what you want in life, do you?

***

Wandering around the city always brought new discoveries – this was something that Kamenashi had come to learn of, as time went by. He had somehow found his way to a park, and subconsciously decided that he should spend his day there.

As he swept his gaze over the park benches, his stomach did a back-flip. Some of the benches were empty and worn out, as they had always been, while others were occupied by people. Some were visitors, reading or merely resting their tired feet. However, the sight that had affected him was that of the people who lay on the benches, asleep under battered issues of the newspaper.

The furthest back he could remember were the days where he was one of those people, trying his best to find comfort in the harsh surroundings, being looked upon as nothing more than scum by those who walked past.

A part of him knew that he ought to be thankful for the place he was living in now. Yet, he could not help himself from believing that he never belonged to this level of society in the first place. What was wrong with him?

He sat down on one of the empty benches, pensive.

The endless string of questions in his head was one thing bothering him, but there was something else. He could feel a pair of eyes on his back, watching him from afar. It was the feeling of uneasiness that he had not experienced for a while.

His pulse was racing as he heard approaching footsteps. He could almost feel the weight of those punches and kicks from many nights before once again…

The footsteps stopped, and the presence of another hovered by his back. He stood up, turning around to face the mysterious follower, only to find a man in his early thirties watching him, the ghost of a smile imprinted on his face.

His heartbeat slowed back to its normal rate as he took in the appearance of the man. There was something about him that vanquished all sense of threat in Kamenashi.

“You haven’t changed a bit.”

A crease appeared on Kamenashi’s forehead at those words, and he looked questioningly at this stranger. Was it another figure from his past? Why was he connected to all these people? And the more important question was, how?

“Who’re you?”

“Motonao Koinishi desu.”

They sat down on each side of the bench without facing each other.

“What kind of person did I use to be?”

Encore (Chapter 5)

2009-03-24T12:13:01Z

“It shouldn’t have turned out this way…” Motonao Koinishi could feel his own anxious heartbeat against his chest as he dialed number after number, meeting naught but dead ends. His breath was choppy as he tried desperately to calm himself down, muttering to himself. “Kamenashi Kazuya, this wasn’t part of your game plan. What the hell were you thinking?”

Then, the door opened and Motonao dropped his phone onto the floor with a clatter.

“Ueda-sama.’

The thin, muscular man in the doorway smirked.

“Pick it up.”

Motonao remained rooted to the spot.

“How did you know that I was here?” He asked, dreading the other man’s response, for there was only one man who knew that he was hiding in this secluded apartment, in the most deserted part of the city.

“It’s time to come to the right side of the schism.”

Motonao eyed his opponent warily. “There is no right side to the schism.” As these words spilled from his lips, he found himself face to face with the barrel of a gun.

“Damn right there isn’t. Because only one side remains standing. Do you still think that you have a choice?”

***

The child squeals in excitement as it first comes into contact with the water. It was something new, refreshing. The puddle on the base of the tank is expanding steadily, and the child’s eyes are round as orbs as it watches on. It cautiously puts forth its palm into the liquid and draws back when it sees the liquid body distort upon its touch, and shivers, as it experiences the cooling sensation that follows. The child gets to its feet unsteadily and steps into the large puddle, grinning manically as it learns to make ripples, and then splashes.

We view all of this, vaguely amused at the discovery of the young one. We do not try to stop him. After all, what dangers could something as innocent as a pool of water pose?

Jin awoke to find himself in cold sweat. He had dreamt of that baby again. Something about the whole scene made his skin crawl. The large, joyful features of its face – they were too animated, too flawless to be natural. Jin was shivering too, from the coldness on the hilltop. How could it have been that he had never realized its chilliness before?

He looked to his side, and found Kamenashi lying on his side, the position of his legs evidently showing that he had fallen asleep from that sitting posture of the night before.

He’s just as wary of the world as before.

Then Jin recalled the dream that he had, before any images of the baby appeared. He had recollected that very night where Kamenashi had brought him to this spot, and made him the only promise he could ever remember in their relationship.

Jin raised his chin, looking at the horizon. The sky was still dark, but he could tell that it was morning already. He supposed that they would see the sunrise soon.

Would Kamenashi be awake, by then?

***

There was a clink of glass, as Ueda sat across Kamenashi, a small, square, elaborately designed planted between them. There was nothing on it, aside from a bottle of unopened wine, and two empty wine glasses in front of each of them.

“An hour and five more minutes to go.”

Ueda gave the younger man a thin-lipped smile. Kamenashi merely leaned back against the tall-backed chair, unfazed.

“Is my birthday such a big deal?”

“Of course not.” Ueda turned to gaze out of the large panels of glass beside their table, admiring the cityscape. The building they were in towered over all others in this city, and the streetlamps were little more than dots on the ground, while the people were small as ants. It had always given him satisfaction to look down on others from the very top – that was the very reason he had chosen this particular room for the both of them.

“Of course it isn’t,” Kamenashi agreed solemnly, “It’s not everyday that the leader of our organization comes of age.”

A flicker of irritation marred Ueda’s perfect features for a moment, so quickly that one might have imagined it.

“I believe you’re forgetting something?”

Kamenashi smirked, for the first time that night.

“I believe I had, being someone who tends to overlook the less important details. And I almost forgot to thank you for the suite as well… and all the happy memories we’ve shared here…” He said, allowing his voice to trail off, crossing his legs casually as Ueda raised an eyebrow. “That’s what the wine is meant for, is it not?”

At this, the older man tilted his chin upwards and threw a meaningful glance in Kamenashi’s direction; the latter picked up the hint, taking the tall bottle in his hands, and then offering an appreciative smile.

“Les Amoureuses, 2001… How apt.”

“Indeed.”

He exhaled slowly, then tilted his head and placed the bottle back upon the table’s surface gently.

“But this bottle of wine will not be opened tonight.”

“And why would that be so?” Was it his imagination, or was Ueda’s tone suddenly less amiable than before?

“I have no intention of drinking it.” He said bluntly.

At this, Kamenashi pushed his chair back with a small scrape, getting to his feet and nodding his head in mock respect to Ueda. He was about to take his leave when Ueda, his back now arched like a cat ready to pounce, spoke.

“Let me guess… Is this about that pet of yours?”

Kamenashi paused. Of all the things he had expected Ueda to question him about; this was definitely not on the list. For one, how did he even find out about…

“What do you think?” Kamenashi countered. He could have just been guessing. It could just have been a lucky guess – a very lucky guess.

Then they met each other’s glare, neither of them willing to back off. At last, Kamenashi’s eyes narrowed dangerously and he gave Ueda that long awaited affirmation.

“He is no pet of mine.”

***

Kamenashi jolted awake to the sight of a beautiful sunrise. Strange scenes were flashing in his mind – memories of a past that he did not recognize, in vivid colours and blurred details.

Something about a bottle of wine and a pet…

He felt a sudden stab of pain at his side. That was what happened when he sat up too quickly. His legs were aching even more than before, and his head was throbbing again.

It was a hotel suite, wasn’t it?

He tried to piece together whatever was left of his recollections, but with little avail. Why could he not see the man that had been in the room with him? Why was it that only the name of the wine remained?

‘Les amoureuses’… ‘The lovers’…

“Are you alright?”

Kamenashi turned sharply to his left, only to find a concerned Akanishi Jin by his side.

“I’m fine.” He said quickly, turning away.

There was an awkward silence.

“Maybe…”

“This place…”

They both started at the same time.

Kamenashi could feel Jin’s curious gaze on him. He shook his head. …is nice.

“What’s it about this place?”

It was as though Jin had expected Kamenashi to make a comment about the place. Something was up. Maybe this was all part of Jin’s plan. Was he walking into a trap?

“Nothing.”

“What was it that you wanted to say?”

Kamenashi felt an unknowing stab of irritation. Why did he have to remember all these weird things? Why could he not make any sense of them? And why was Jin looking at him like that? Why did it affect him when Jin looked at him like that?

“I said it was nothing. Don’t you take me here again.”

“Maybe… Maybe we should get going now.”

Why did he have to look so hurt, damn it?

***

Jin’s handphone rang as he drove the two of them back to city, Kamenashi quiet as ever.

“Hello?”

There was no sound except that of the car as it hummed along the road.

“Tatsuya? Mm, yeah. I’m alright. I… just fancied a night out.”

Kamenashi glanced at Jin at the mention of the latter’s boyfriend, a sense of uneasiness creeping up his skin. So they were still together, huh? He had noticed the change in tone of the younger man the moment he had acknowledged his boyfriend. So much for that wounded expression just now. Jin sure was a chameleon.

“Yeah… Alone.”

He raised an eyebrow in Jin’s direction at the latter’s words, but made no comment.

“Hm? Tonight?”

Something about the way Jin was smiling to himself was getting on his nerves. He turned to face the window resolutely in his seat, trying to block out the sounds of the conversation – well, one side of the conversation.

“Is that a date, Tat-chan?”

Now, if only ears could be zipped shut…

“See you later, then.”

Jin finally hung up, refocusing on the road again, the hint of a smile still playing about his lips. He saw the back of Kamenashi’s head from the corner of his eye. This was no longer the Kamenashi that he had known and loved... This was a stranger, robbed of that fiery passion from before. Why did it have to turn out like this? What was he to do from now?

But...

Then again, he was not that little puppy dog anymore, was he?

Encore (Chapter 4)

2009-03-20T11:51:35Z

Motonao Koinishi watched the man seated across him with a mixture of incredulity and admiration – and worry. The physical distance was small – they were separated by little more than a grey table – yet, they were worlds apart. His boss was a born leader; someone who would not shirk from his responsibilities, someone who would sacrifice himself for his comrades. He was a man with talent, who could have the world wrapped snugly around his little finger if he wished.

He could see why Kamenashi Kazuya was viewed a threat by his equals, a worthy superior by his subordinates. It almost seemed like it was in his blood – the ability to rule, that was. From the way he carried himself to the way he addressed others, he commanded both respect and fear. As long as he stood in their way of danger, they were safe. There was something special in that arrogant strut, steely gaze, overwhelming ability. Even he, Motonao, stood in awe; Even he, who was not one to be trifled with either.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” He asked, well aware that he was talking to a person whose each move was a careful game plan.

“Do you want to die?” Came the flat response. Kamenashi meant business this time. It was their signal, an unspoken agreement.

“Do you really want to know the answer?”

An appreciative chuckle.

“Let me rephrase that. Would you want to see your family die?”

A pause as the two men surveyed each other, accessing the situation, accessing their own abilities.

“No.”

“Then we’ll take action tomorrow.”

***

The sky was a brilliant shade of purple as Kamenashi made his way down that street, towards the place he both wanted, and dreaded to return. His recollections of that bar seemed to grow fuzzier as the days passed by. Had he used to be like that, or was it what he had grown to become? What was he trying so hard to forget, then?

He was faced with yet another blank.

“I’ll take you through that maze… and you won’t be alone again.”

Ueda had spoken to him just a few hours before. His words were cryptic, and perhaps even dramatic. But nothing had seemed more appropriate for this situation. His life was a maze, a maze that he had wandered so deeply into he could not find his path back. He thought about Ueda’s offer. There were too many possible consequences. Yet, as much as this was so, there were too many stones left unturned as well. Part of him wanted to see the world as he had done before. But was it really the best thing to do?

Maybe it was the unidentifiable bruises and scars he had grown to find at odd parts of his body – in between his thighs, near his shoulders, along his lower back and even further down. Some were healing, but some looked fresh; had he really suffered so many beatings that he could not remember?

Sixth sense told him that he would be better off without this knowledge.

***

Jin barely had time to marvel at the wonder of his timing as he looked up from the counter only to see Kamenashi walk past the front of his shop, barely even sparing it a glance, preoccupation written plainly over his face. Trying to ignore the usual back flip of the stomach as he caught sight of the thin man in the night of the street outside, he frowned – what business could the Kamenashi of present have here?

His gaze was fixed on Kamenashi as the other man stopped by the edge of the pavement and took two quick, sharp glances at his surroundings.

He’s going to cross the road…

Jin’s gaze flicked swiftly to the bar opposite, the dim glowing lights from within twinkling innocently in its semi-darkness.

Then he was breathing the same, chilling night air as Kamenashi, calling out to the younger man, just before he could make it across to the other side.

***

Jin did not know why he did it, but he was certain, somehow, that it would not be good for Kamenashi to return to the bar. He chanced a sideway glance at the younger man, strapped securely into the leather seat of his car, staring blankly out of the window. What was he thinking about?

He shifted his gaze back to the long, dark road that they were traveling down. Had he been too impulsive, in leaving the restaurant in the care of his employees? Would they be alright without him?

The answer, he knew, was yes.

Maybe he just wanted to find excuses to make a U-turn, to go back up that road, back to the safety of the city – the city, which had been like a living creature in itself, glowing with life in the deep night. There was little of that familiar energy, down this road.

Ought he to be the one to wish for Kamenashi to remember? Ought he to be the one to lend a helping hand?

Or rather…

He looked at Kamenashi again.

Does he really want me to help?

***

The eagle lies on the floor, wounded, unable to fly. There is no one in the ruins of this city. Then a figure approaches. The eagle spots the nearing human and struggles. It wants to escape.

Tip, tap, tip, tap.

The footsteps are slow and steady.

The eagle is unable to move more than an inch from its original position, its soiled feathers, sticking out at the oddest angles, surely making it appear more vulnerable than ever to. If only it could see the face of that human…

***

Ueda Tatsuya sat by his usual place in the bar, watching the happenings of the city almost nonchalantly. He could feel many pairs of eyes on him. Some were glares, others gazes of mild intimidation. He had to admit that he was enjoying all the veiled attention, without anyone else around to vie for it with him now.

There was no change in his expression, until a slim figure appeared across the road, seemingly wanting to come to this side, only to be stopped by the owner of the restaurant opposite. He pursed his lips and brought his hands together, interlocking his fingers.

This was going to be interesting.

***

The clock chimed midnight, and the younger Jin awoke, startled, to the sound of a few well-practiced knocks. Trying to hide the grin that was creeping to his face, he quickly got off the bed, haphazardly running a hand through his messy hair, and opened the door. Shivering slightly with anticipation, he was awake – more awake than ever – when he saw who the unexpected visitor was.

“Been sleeping well?” Kamenashi Kazuya smirked, eyeing the object of his interest, and Jin saw how the younger man’s gaze shone inexplicably with something almost close to fondness at the sight of his untidy hair, baggy shirt and pajama pants. Kamenashi had forgone the formal wear this time, and was dressed in a simple white shirt and jeans instead.

Jin could only remain in awe at the fact that some people were simply mesmerizing the way they were, regardless of their dressing.

He reached out a little tentatively and tugged at Kamenashi’s hand, as though wanting to welcome him into the apartment like he always did. But he was surprised again, when the other man shook his head slightly this time. Jin tried to hide his disappointment. Yet, he realized that he need not have done so, when the man spoke again. There had simply been no need for disappointment.

“Go get changed; I don’t feel like staying in tonight. I’ll bring you somewhere special.”

***

Jin stopped the car at the foot of the hill and got out, a wary Kamenashi trailing after him as they climbed. The hill was not steep, though it was dark, just as it had been the first time they had climbed to its peak together. It was amazing that Jin could still vaguely remember the trail up this hill.

When they finally reached the hilltop, the city from before a mass of sparkling lights in the distance, Kamenashi broke the silence.

“Why did you take me here?”

Jin drew in a deep breath, looking at Kamenashi under the pale moonlight. There it was again, that defensiveness that had never been there before.

It figures. He probably thinks I brought him here to kill him or something.

“Let’s sit.” Jin said, before plopping himself on the damp grass without hesitation, then lying back to look at the endless sky. The atmosphere that night was completely different from whatever that he had experienced before. Maybe the fresh air would help him take his mind off things, at least for now. And maybe the fresh air would trigger some of those hidden thoughts in Kamenashi’s mind. After a while, he head a soft rustling as Kamenashi sat down as well, legs crossed.

***

The car ride had been long, but it was worth it. Jin thought to himself as he and Kamenashi lay down on the grass, side by side, admiring the starry heavens.

“Why did you bring me here?”

Jin asked as he turned to his side, draping one arm affectionately over his lover’s chest. He had never been away from the city much, and this was a refreshing change. He wondered vaguely how Kamenashi had come to know of this particular spot on this hill, and then sighed contently at its peacefulness. There was something about the crisp, clean air that made him feel more relaxed than he had ever been, and he supposed it was the same for Kamenashi.

“Don’t you like this place?”

Jin felt his heart skip a beat when Kamenashi turned his head to the side, looking straight into his eyes. He nodded, and the younger man turned his head back slowly, as though satisfied with his answer, closing his eyes.

“That’s good.”

He was about to shut his eyes as well when he heard Kamenashi speak again.

“I wanted to spend the first moments of this day here, together with you.”

He moved closer to Kamenashi and bit his lip, smiling to himself at these words. Perhaps he did not understand the actual meaning of these words, and perhaps he never would. But the feelings behind them were straightforward enough, and that was all that mattered.

***

Kamenashi hid his surprise when Akanishi Jin brought him to, not his apartment or some other sinister place, but the top of a hill. Why was he experiencing all these complex emotions whenever he came into contact with the older man? What kind of relationship had they shared before?

Every fiber of his body told him to beware, to be careful of people whose intentions he could not comprehend. Yet, these sirens never blared when Akanishi was around. There were only these mixed feelings, these unidentifiable feelings, and a baffling sense of security.

The owner of that restaurant must have had some intention for bringing him to such a place. But how was it that his actions betrayed none of those motivations? Kamenashi frowned inwardly, watching as he lay flat on his back easily, as though he could casually put aside all his cares in the world. If he did not know better, he would have had thought that Akanishi wanted nothing more than to share the existence of such a place with him.

How could it be so?

Nothing was as simple as that, he thought, sitting down cautiously, crossing his legs, unwilling to let Akanishi realize that he was getting comfortable with this place.

What’s up with those mixed emotions?

***

A light orange glow was appearing at the edge of the horizon, a stunning contrast to the rest of the blue sky. The varying shades of blue were fading slowly into one uniform colour, unnoticeably. Jin did not know what had woken him, but opening his eyes to such a sight was something more wonderful than he could possibly have imagined.

A child-like grin lit up his features as he sat up quickly, frantically shaking his companion awake as well.

“Kazu! Kazu! Wake up!”

The first bit of the fiery sun was already visible from behind several clouds when Kamenashi finally opened his bleary eyes, catching sight of the horizon too and smiling slightly.

“It’s so pretty!”

Jin knew that he sounded not unlike a five-year old when he said this, but he could hardly stop himself. After all, it was not everyday that you woke up to a breath-taking sunrise.

“Mm. It is.” Kamenashi mumbled, sitting up as well, and then leaning close to the older man, brushing his lips lightly against his cheek.

“You knew that we’d be able to see the sunrise here together, didn’t you?” Jin asked, poking his boyfriend playfully on the arm and getting a soft chuckle in reply.

“Maybe.”

They sat beside each other, watching as their surroundings brightened a little more with the passing of each second, captivated by this daily occurrence, and subconsciously wondering how it could have been that they had never properly noticed it until that day.

“Promise me this won’t be the last time we come here together?” It was not until they were fully basking under the glow of the morning sun that Jin voiced his question, resting his head on Kamenashi’s shoulder contentedly.

There was a moment of quiet.

“I promise you.”

Jin could hardly stop his lips from curving upwards once more; maybe promises were not impossible between them, after all.

Encore (Chapter 3)

2009-03-18T07:57:40Z

“Afraid for him?”

The older man turned around at the sound of that triumphant tone, unsurprised to find a smirk on its owner’s face.

“You’re too arrogant, Ichihara-san.”

The smirk grew wider. “Am I?” Ichihara Yusuke whispered. He lifted his sempai’s chin slowly, teasingly with his index finger. “If I were you, I’d reconsider where my loyalties lay.”

Motonao Konishi removed the offending hand slowly, his gaze steely. “I’m not as weak as some others.”

“Oh, really?” The smirk faltered slightly. “Suit yourself, then.” He moved to leave the small room.

“He isn’t one to be beaten up so easily.”

The younger man stopped, his hand resting lazily on the doorknob. “Strange, I would have thought he might have resisted, then, yesterday night.”

***

It was night again. Kamenashi had spent the day exploring the apartment, only to find more locked doors, looked drawers and objects that appeared familiar, though he could hardly put his finger on the reason for such.

The apartment was a factual reflection of his mind. Every time he got close to understanding something, every time he found something that he vaguely recognized, he found himself facing another dead end. He wanted to make sense of it all – how he had offended the people at the bar, how he could have forgotten even his own name, and how Akanishi Jin fit into the whole picture.

The doorbell rang.

Was he in any position to open the door in Akanishi’s place?

Well, since he left me here…

He opened the door, meeting the eyes of the man that was with Akanishi the night before.

“Akanishi-san is not in.” He stated plainly. He wondered if the boyfriend would have been disappointed to find him there. An unreadable expression faced him in return to the sentence. If he was, he did not show it.

“I’m not here for Jin.”

Somehow, the way that he said ‘Jin’ irked Kamenashi. But why should it?

“Then what is your purpose?”

A short silence. The boyfriend smiled, but there was no laughter in his gaze.

“You.”

Kamenashi narrowed his eyes as he felt a small surge of dislike course through his veins. He hated the self-assured, commanding attitude of the stranger. What was up with this guy? “Screw you.” He made to close the door, but was overridden when the other man shoved him into the apartment with strength surprising for his size.

The door slammed shut and the previous surge of dislike transformed into something remarkably close to fear as he backed into the couch. The boyfriend’s gaze was intense, so intense that it made Kamenashi feel like turning away. For a moment, there was something awfully familiar about this man. But all he could find in his memories at that moment were shadows, vague and flitting. Who was this man to instill fear in Kamenashi? The couch suddenly seemed too small for the both of them. He cast his eyes around for an object to calm himself – any object that had given him a sense of familiarity in the day.

The coffee table… The coffee table…

“I knew you, Kamenashi Kazuya.” He heard the boyfriend murmur in the dimness of the living room. Too close. Way too close. “I knew you.” He repeated quietly, his face barely inches from the other man’s. Why was it suddenly so hard to conceal any signs of weakness?

“Look into my eyes.”

At his command, Kamenashi lifted his gaze reluctantly from the dark shadow of the coffee table despite himself. Almost instantly, he felt the boyfriend’s lips cover his own. He tried to shove the other man away, but the latter only pushed himself against his prey more persistently. There was no escape. There was no use resisting.

Or… was there?

He gasped involuntarily, and shuddered as the other man’s tongue wove expertly into his cavity. This felt wrong, yet too blissfully so. There was something familiar about the exploration, the aggressiveness. Yet, he was positive that this had never happened before. It could not have. Or could it? Part of him ached to find out the answer, but alarm bells were sounding in his head. Maybe he did not need to know the answer. He gave in at last, pressing his own lips back upon the other man’s, experimentally, hesitantly.

This was wrong.

Immediately, he felt a pair of skilled hands reach under his shirt, tracing patterns along his skin. He wanted to move away, to pull back and give thought to his actions, yet it was so difficult. It was too difficult to refuse. The kiss deepened, as one of the hands reached for his the buckle of his belt…

All wrong. All wrong.

“Stop.” Kamenashi muttered against the boyfriend’s lips. He mustered the remaining of his strength, pushing the other man away as hard as he could. “Stop it.”

The weight upon his body lifted slightly, and he withheld a cringe as the other man exhaled slowly against his neck. It was wrong, awfully wrong. This was Akanishi’s boyfriend. It was wrong, like the violation of unspoken rules.

“Who’re you?” Kamenashi’s voice was weak. “Who’re you, really?”

The boyfriend fingered Kamenashi’s cheek deliberately, as though contemplating his answer. The younger man’s eyelids automatically fluttered shut as he enjoyed the tingle against his will. He smiled. Sidling up to Kamenashi’s ear, he spoke in a low whisper, “Ueda Tatsuya desu.”

***

Akanishi was surprised to find Kamenashi huddled in his sheets that night when he finally got home, looking as vulnerable as a child. For a moment, he felt as though he had been transported back to the good old days, where he would snuggle in with his lover and hug him as he slept.

But…

He sighed and turned to walk back to the living room. Maybe he should sleep on the couch instead. He could not bring himself to do so, however; it felt too much unlike him to abandon the other man like this.

No, not when he’s in need of someone to accompany him.

He remembered how Kamenashi always smiled in his sleep when Jin kissed him goodnight on the forehead. Hesitating in the dark room, he was almost bursting to rush to the younger man’s side as he fought to stay rooted to the spot.

There wouldn’t be any harm, would it? He’s fast asleep, after all…

He took a few tentative steps towards his bed and sat down along the edge of it. However, just as he bent forward, he heard a murmur. A voice so soft that he might have had imagined it.

“No… Don’t…”

He saw the furrow in Kamenashi’s brows and the tremble of his lips as he pulled Jin’s blankets more tightly around himself. Quickly retracting his movements, he squeezed his eyes shut, leaning against the wall, more exhausted than he had ever been in a long time.

***

It had been a month before Motonao Koinishi’s wedding date when he had received that phone call. He recognized instantly that someone had sold them out to the enemy.

“I’ll give you three days to make a choice.” That was the last thing the cold voice had spoken, after voicing its conditions, before the line went dead.

The never-ending beep on the phone had never sounded so ominous yet. He stayed put for a long while, not knowing what to do, waiting for the reality of the situation to seep in. He knew he had to take action, but what were his options?

Then, slowly, he lifted his trembling fingers and dialed a number.

“I… I have a favor to ask of you.”

***

A child is sitting in an empty glass tank, like an animal in its enclosure. It is naked, with bright eyes and a wide smile. Yes, a smile – directed to no one. Because, there was no one. Nothing happens for a long time, as we remain watching the child. Its smile does not fade. Then it looks towards its feet. No form of opening can be seen. Yet, the floor begins filling up with water. The liquid appears as a drop at first, then transforming into an innocent puddle. The child watches in fascination. The smile does not disappear…

Akanishi Jin awoke with a start, a strange image imprinted in his mind’s eye. Had he been so troubled recently that he was now getting insane visions? He tried to sit up straight, to rid his head of that swollen feeling, only to experience a bout of pain in his lower back instead. Sleeping on his couch had been worse than he imagined. Rubbing his eyes blearily, he glanced at the clock hanging overhead. It was almost ten in the morning.

Damn, I’m going to be late for work.

Massaging his shoulders as he got up, he made his way to the bathroom, only to stop before his bedroom and spot the reason he had been sleeping on the couch in the first place anyway.

Kamenashi Kazuya was still fast asleep, blissfully unaware of the other man’s watchful gaze.

He won’t be waking up anytime soon, would he?

Jin stepped slowly towards his bathroom, careful not to take his eyes off the younger one, fragments of his dream from a while ago long gone from his mind. Only one thing remained.

… Just like an angel.

***

Kamenashi opened his eyes to the sound of trickling water that morning. Ten thirty. He blinked, noticing that the door opposite the bed was shut. There was someone in the bathroom. Yawning, he was surprised at how comfortable he felt, awakening from slumber in this particular bed, inhaling its familiar scent.

But he did not have a home. He did not belong here. He was merely someone they picked off a street, someone who knew nothing about his past. Someone who did not deserve to feel at home anywhere.

The sounds of water stopped, and he smiled. It was a reflex that even he could not explain.

Then the door opened, revealing Akanishi, hair damp from his shower, wrapped in a towel.

Déjà vu.

“Why’re you smiling?”

There, he said it. So simply, so casually, as though it were perfectly normal to find a stranger lying in your bed, occupying your own private space. As though it were normal for him to emerge from the shower, barely dressed, in front of someone whom he only met a few nights ago.

“It’s a nice day.” Kamenashi replied, inducing a small smile from the other in return.

Everyday conversation. No hostile glances, no uncomfortable treatment. Then their eyes met and his world felt right again.

Should it, though?

Encore (Chapter 2)

2009-03-17T03:55:18Z

He watched as the man named Akanishi returned to the table after ten minutes, with some chicken and pasta on a large plate.

“Here. Eat it while it’s warm.”

It smelt delicious. He tried a bit of it, and his lips curled upward slightly for the first time that night.

“It’s good. Thank you.”

Akanishi made no reply to this. When he did speak, however, he addressed the injured man by a name that he did not recognize.

“Kamenashi Kazuya.” Akanishi stated, evidently watching the other man closely for any form of recognition. “Don’t you even remember your own name?”

The injured man merely shook his head, studying his rescuer equally closely. An unidentifiable emotion was playing about the other man’s features. “How do you know if that’s my name?”

“I was a… a friend of yours.”

Why the hesitation before the word ‘friend’?

“Really.”

“Yeah.”

It rang no bell, sounded no alarms in his head. But there had to be a reason for Akanishi to help him. Play along with his games, follow his lead, dance to the music.

“So I’m Kamenashi Kazuya.” The injured man said, seemingly unaffected. “What else do you know about me?”

He watched as Akanishi shifted awkwardly. Clearly, this man held secrets. And what was the truth, if not told in its entity? Then he finally spoke, although his answer was a disappointment.

“It’s hard to explain right now.”

“Take your time; I have the whole night to listen to you.”

“No, you need some rest. Finish the food and I’ll find you a place to stay for the night.”

Kamenashi looked at him squarely in the eye, and he could see the slightest hint of a flinch in the other man. Suddenly, he was no longer the victim.

“I’m staying here for the night.”

It was not a request for permission, but a decision.

“You can’t.”

“It’s your restaurant, isn’t it?”

Yes, it was his restaurant. Kamenashi was certain of this, although he had not actually been told so, from the way Akanishi had behaved, and the fact that he was the only one around at such an hour. It was a gut feeling as well. Yet, his gut had been telling him many things since he first laid eyes on the other man; so many things, in fact, that he was not sure he could fully trust it anymore.

It did not help that the way Akanishi was frowning at him now told him that this was not the first time such an exchange had occurred between them. Had they really known each other from before? Why, then, should Akanishi have a reason to hide their relationship from him?

“I have an apartment nearby… If you really need a place for the night.” Akanishi finally conceded.

“Thanks.”

***

Akanishi lay awake on his couch for as long as the sky remained dark, eyes glassy with tears he could not shed. Was it some sort of a joke, he wondered, that his life had to be turned upside-down once more, just as it had begun getting back on track? Why him? Why could he not live normally, as of anyone else?

The white rose from Kamenashi’s last visit still lay untouched in its box. His head spun just from thinking about it, just from recalling its existence. He did not know what had allowed him to bring the younger man back home. Could he still believe?

The Kamenashi he knew had rarely done anything without a purpose in mind. What, then, was his purpose for returning under the pretence of having forgotten everything of the past? He could not have really lost his memory, or could he?

Damn it.

For the first time in two years, he felt lost. All the while, he had been bent on forgetting Kamenashi. Maybe this was life’s way of mocking him. Why was Kamenashi allowed to forget, while he had to live with the pain?

I’m doing it again. Making the same mistakes. .

Robbed of his direction, was he to accept his fate and welcome Kamenashi back with open arms, whether or not the other man had really erased the past from his mind? Maybe he really had. He had to… right?

I trust him.

How is it that I can trust him more than I trust myself?

***

Akanishi Jin was not the only person insomnia had chosen to accompany that night, but Kamenashi had no way of knowing this. For as long as he could remember – a few days back – he had no name, no identity. No one knew who he was, nor did they care is he lived or died. He roamed the streets, went hungry, and even had to fight with the many other homeless people for spots to sleep in sleazy alleys each night. Yet, he had never found it this hard to shut his eyes and empty his mind. It bothered him to know that he was more troubled, lying on a warm, soft bed, than on the grimy cemented ground – and why should it not? He turned to lie on his side, experiencing another sharp bout of pain as he did so, subconsciously thankful for the less-than-gentle reminder that he was alive.

Now what? He asked himself.

So a man gave him a leg up and told him that they were once acquainted. Did he know of how Kamenashi had lost his memory? Probably not, by the looks of it. He sighed. Once, he thought that the biggest question in his life was of his past. Now, he worried more about tomorrow. Anything could happen.

Or perhaps he was just reluctant to leave the comforts of this particular room.

It was that everything seemed excessively familiar. Everything that had happened that night, from meeting Akanishi to ending up in this room, seemed like déjà vu, except that he could not find a reason explaining why he should be feeling that way.

Things must have had happened before, or he would not have been able to accept his supposed name this easily. So he was Kamenashi Kazuya. Who, though, was this person? Was he well known? He remembered how he often felt the gaze of others boring into his skin. Was his identity the reason for such behavior?

He recalled the words of the thug that had beaten him up just a few hours ago.

“You’re alive.”

Indeed he was alive; why should he not be? What, though, had that been in the thug’s expression? Apprehension? Surprise? He racked his brains for anything else that might have happened. There was someone else watching the thug deliver his beatings. Why watch? Why watch, and not stop him? Why watch, and not give him a hand?

It seemed like Kamenashi had not been the only one with mixed feelings that night.

And it did not help that the smell of the entire room made him feel at ease – so much that he was beginning to feel uneasy.

***

He woke up to the sound of unfamiliar voices the next morning. Apparently, he had somehow managed to enter the long forgotten state of slumber in the darkness and comfort of the night before.

“…Found him yesterday night, so I let him stay over. It’s nothing much.”

Kamenashi opened a crack in the door to the bedroom and peered outwards. It was Akanishi with a man he did not recognize. But of course, there were few that he did. He could not see much aside from the back of their heads, and the occasional profile of their faces as they turned to speak to each other. However, he could tell that they were sitting close together on the couch – too closely, in fact, for their relationship to be anything but that of friendship.

Then the unfamiliar man suddenly looked around, straight into Kamenashi’s eyes. He started. How was it that the man could sense his presence? He opened the door to reveal himself, watching Akanishi attempt to conceal his surprise as he moved away from the man whom appeared to be his boyfriend.

“You’re awake.”

Kamenashi nodded in response, raising a questioning eyebrow in the direction of the stranger, who promptly stood up.

“I’ll be off to work now. Take care, ne?”

The stranger touched Akanishi’s elbow as he said this, offering a thin-lipped smile and leaving, without as much of a second glance at Kamenashi.

“Was I interrupting something?” Kamenashi asked bluntly.

“No… Ano… I’ll get you some breakfast.” Akanishi replied, somewhat flustered.

“Okay.” He wondered absently if the older man ate bagels for breakfast. He took a good look around the rest of the apartment. Although it was small, it was simple and cozy. He sighed, taking in the strong aroma of coffee that was mingling with the morning air. Walking to the dining area, he noticed two wine glasses in a glass cupboard beside the table. Inexplicably drawn to the pair, he reached out to free the crystal structures from their enclosures.

It was locked.

Right on cue, Akanishi returned with a plate in one hand, a coffee cup in the other. He placed both on the table, motioning for Kamenashi to take his seat. The latter paused.

“Bagels?”

“Slightly toasted. And coffee. Do you eat these?” Jin asked tentatively. That was what Kamenashi had always wanted for breakfast when he stayed over in the past. Was it going to ring any bells? But the older man did nothing aside from sitting down and tucking in. He tried not to think too much of that familiar sinking sensation in his navel.

Mistake

2009-03-07T14:08:12Z

Pairing: Akame
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG13
Synopsis: Kazuya mistakes Jin for someone he isn't. What happens when two men, each bound to their own destiny, meet along the course of life, and develop feelings for each other?
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, just the storyline.
A/N: This was jointly inspired by a poem that I read (it's chinese), 'On Your Mind' and a horrible week at school, with the prospect of more horrible weeks to come. *sighs* Thanks to Elaine for beta-ing for me, and hope this isn't too bad!

They had found him again.

There was never a quiet moment in Akanishi Jin’s life. Perhaps that was the way fate decreed – those who entered a land to which they did not belong were destined to live in fear and anxiety. Sometimes he laughed at the irony of the situation; the authorities existed to uphold justice, to make sure that the people were safe. Yet, he had never known his life to be in more danger than when they drew close. He had done nothing wrong; nothing except to have been conned into coming to a place where he was not welcome.

So there he was again, on the run. He was always on the run. He had come a long way, but he knew that his feet would never be able to take him back to where he came from.

Wherever he went, the local authorities would find him. They probably had a network dedicated to nothing more than hunting down homeless immigrants. Or maybe it was because he had not exactly maintained a clean record in his stay on no-man’s-land. Maybe he should not have stolen those money and clothes after all. Well, a man needed to fight for his survival.

The sky had just darkened, and the part of town that he had somehow ventured into seemed to be deserted. All he saw were rows of dilapidated houses, each as vacant as the next. The doors were locked and windows sealed, with their blinds, or whatever was left of them, drawn.

Jin shivered slightly in the coolness of the night as he dragged one tired leg after the other, making his way down the road, keeping his eyes peeled for a house – any house – that he would be able to hide in for the night. Just that night would do, and he would be gone, gone like the wind.

However, chances were low, by the looks of it. Why was this place so quiet?

He could hardly stay out in the open for long – throwing his pursuers off-track for a while was one thing, making them give up on his trail was another.

But then he saw something that made him pick up speed again.

Was that someone waiting by the window, in that little house up front? His pulse began racing, as he moved forward with his remaining energy towards what he had decided must be a mirage.

It was not.

He could do little more than stare, both from exhaustion and wonder, at the person who came more clearly into view as he approached. It was difficult to make out every single detail of the man’s face, for there were no streetlamps in the area, but his eyes were glassy and his lips thin, with a slightly pursed look. His face was rather longish, with straight, flat hair that brushed softly against his shoulders. His slim fingers rested on the windowsill, where the windows were thrown wide open like arms waiting to embrace. Jin felt a clench in his stomach when he noticed how thin the man was, his skin pale in the moonlight. But even if this was so, all of it suited him just right, and Jin suddenly stopped feeling sorry that he had been on the run all this while.

He knew it was ridiculous to think that way, but at that point in time, anything would have been a reasonable price to pay to meet someone of such unearthly beauty. The man looked frail, tired, but something about him exuded strength. Not physical strength – for he looked like it would take less than a strong gust of wind to overpower him – but strength from within, strength of the mind.

Perhaps it was how he was standing, oblivious to the chill of the night, calmly, as though in anticipation of someone, or something. How could a person of his stature resist such biting cold? Jin knew; he knew that he was looking at someone special.

The man was staring off into the distance, even as Jin stopped by the window, less than a meter from him. He did not look straight at the newcomer, though a crease did appear on his forehead as something close to a smile played about his lips. Jin held his breath in spite of himself, his pulse picking up speed involuntarily as he watched on.

The man’s features broke into a full-fledged, welcoming smile at last, after what appeared to be a long moment of contemplation. Jin smiled back.

Was his judgment simply affected by fatigue, or was there something too hospitable about that expression?

He stood and waited, his previous anxiety forgotten, watching as the man made his way to the door. His eyes were riveted, as the man’s fingers traced their way along the windowsill, and he vanished slowly behind the wall, and the click of the door could be heard. The door swung open slowly, and Jin paused. He was missing something.

It was only when the man reached out in his general direction, his gaze still fixated on that distant point, that it finally hit Jin.

The man was blind.

***

They did not speak a single word to each other as Jin set foot into the dismal abode. He did not know the reason the blind man was willing to accommodate him, but was grateful all the same. He stood awkwardly near the closed door, taking in his new surroundings as the man walked to what seemed to be the kitchen. He heard the sounds of water and glasses.

The house looked no larger from the inside, and it was just as cold, for the windows had been hanging wide open, leaving the space free to the invasion of the wind. There were only two other rooms, aside from the living room, which Jin noticed was where he was standing. A small couch was placed in the middle of the area, and a flimsy, wooden table set before it. A closet of drawers and a battered pair of shoes leaned against the wall, and that was it.

Perhaps Jin had been living a life close to that of a fugitive, but one look at this place told him that the blind man had it no easier. At least Jin could snag some good food or decent clothing when he found the chance, but this man obviously had not experienced any taste of riches. He vaguely wondered what had made the man end up living the way he seemed to be – alone, and poor.

The man returned from the kitchen before Jin could allow his mind to wander any further, quietly placing one of the glasses on the table, then making his way to the couch, taking his seat. Jin did not know what to say as he saw how the man felt around for the table slowly, tentatively placing his glassware upon its surface, then exhaling in relief as there was no sound of breakage. He remained silent as the man took small, cautious steps towards the couch, placing a palm on it and making sure he was at the right place, before turning around and sitting down. Then he smiled a small smile to himself and took a sip of water.

Jin continued to hover around, waiting for his host to make the first move.

“Sit.”

The blind man had finally spoke, his voice light and soft, like a faint note on a piano, or the strings of a guitar. It was less of a command than a simple statement, like something one would say to an old friend.

Jin did as he was told, placing his weight beside that of the other man, casting him a sideways glance as he did so. He noticed how vulnerable the other man looked and the sadness in his expression. There was hesitance in the way he could not seem to relax on the sofa, and the way he was biting his lip.

Jin felt a sudden urge to put his arms around the other man, to steady him and perhaps even make sure that he was not a figment of his own imagination. But…

There it was again, that smile filled with sweetness that Jin knew was not for him.

“I never thought you would come back.” The blind man said, despite the evidence of his earlier anticipation. “I never thought you would be willing to come into this place again, after all that happened.”

Now it was Jin’s turn to hesitate. Was he listening something not meant for his ears?

“Is that why you wouldn’t talk to me?” The man continued. “Because you feel it’s too much to even breathe the same air as my filthy, cheap existence?”

Jin could feel the raw hurt exuded by the blind man, and it pained him too…

“Then why are you here again?” The man’s tone was now accusatory, sharp. “When you know that I would have been waiting for you? Why give me that spark of hope only to extinguish it again…” He trailed off, leaning back against the couch at last. The glass slipped from his fingers and shattered, to become as broken as its owner looked. He took no notice, those large, empty eyes as glassy as ever.

Jin could feel a lump rising in his throat. He wanted to speak, to say something – anything that would make that man feel better. But even he knew that some wounds were simply too deep to be mended. He was not the person that man had been waiting for, but it was is fault all the same.

The man was right; he was the one who had brought him false hope, hope that was extinguished just as easily as a candle would have been, in that windy night.

But then something made the man sit up straight again like an animal that sensed danger nearby. Jin heard distant footsteps and rough voices. He held his breath. Was it the people he had been trying his best to avoid?

“Go into the room. Hide.”

His tone was urgent, worried, and Jin could not have agreed more. The moment he disappeared into the darkness of the other room, he heard voices – loud, deep rumbles that belonged to people that he definitely did not want to see.

“D’you think he’ll be in there?” The first voice said.

“Nah, only that little whore lives inside. Even our little immigrant wouldn’t wanna hide in that dirty hovel.” The second voice replied.

There were a few chuckles, as Jin realized with a pang who they were talking about. The footsteps from outside stopped. The two policemen had apparently decided to pause by this particular house. Jin waited with bated breath. How could he have left the blind man out there, alone, to face them?

He was about to move from his hiding place when the voices started again.

“So, Kazuya, how about keeping us company tonight for a change?” The second voice was asking loudly, alongside several sniggers.

There was a silence as the blind man, Kazuya, declined to reply.

“Aw, look, you’ve hurt his pride.” The first voice said, sarcastically, after a while.

“Oh, have I?”

Jin chanced a glimpse of the scene outside, shifting his position slightly so he could see what was going on. Two burly men were standing by the window, silhouetted against the dim light from outside. Kazuya was on his feet, facing them, looking more defenseless than before. Jin could only look on, as the larger of the two men smirked, reaching through the open window to grab at a part of Kazuya’s body his ugly fingers ought to be chopped for touching. He watched, infuriated, as Kazuya shrank away in horror, and the men laughed raucously.

“Have you heard of his story? He was fucking another man when his boyfriend was away, only to have him walk in on them halfway through –”

“Shut up.”

Jin could see the thin man trembling as he bit out his words, clenching his fists, readying for punches he would never throw, and never be able to throw.

“He doesn’t have any pride –”

“You don’t know anything. Shut up.”

The two men merely chuckled some more, and Jin watched them disappear from view, as he stepped back to the same room Kazuya stood. He was about to say something when Kazuya beat him to it once more.

“So you heard them. Everyone knows how despicable I am now. Aren’t you happy?”

Jin could feel his chest hurting, overwhelmed with emotion, aching to help this man. No one deserved such treatment, even if they had made a mistake. He blinked away the traces of tears in his eyes, and took a step towards Kazuya, then another.

He knew that he had caught Kazuya by surprise when he wrapped his arms around him tightly, enveloping the whole of his fragile existence. He knew that Kazuya knew in an instant that he was not the person he had been awaiting. He knew that the better decision, perhaps, would have been to leave before any more damage was done, before any of his feelings for this stranger could be solidified.

But logic took its rightful place in the backseat when Kazuya, shivering no less than before, placed an uncertain arm around his back as well, in a feeble embrace.

***

This was all wrong; they shouldn’t be doing it.

Kamenashi Kazuya was trembling from trying not to cry, from sheer exhaustion, from the weakness in his knees. Who was this stranger, willing to embrace him, to accept him for who he was, even if he knew what he had been through?

He was like a piece of rag, old, used, worn out. He did not deserve anyone’s love, much less that of this strong, muscular man. The arms holding him were warm and large, devoid of all the harshness he had been facing for a long period of time.

Why couldn’t his life end just like that?

But of course it could not. No, he was to live on. He was to stay in his world of darkness, as this man left him too.

If that were the case, he should have pried himself from this comforting embrace. He should be chasing the man out of the wreck of his house. He should be alone, as he had been before, waiting for the future that would never come.

He did not.

He could not bring himself to step back when the man told him in silent gestures that he did not despise him. He could not bring himself to reject when the man placed one gentle kiss after another on his forehead, his cheekbones, and his lips. He could not bring himself to not take in the smell and touch of the stranger, to go against everything his body told him to do in response to receiving the love he had been yearning for all his life, and neither could he hold himself back from spilling the truth at last.

***

Jin could feel the teardrop roll down his cheek, slowly, as he took the man into the darker bedroom, away from the coldness of the wind. He should not be giving his love to someone he could never commit to. When dawn arrived, he would be gone again; it was the life he was forced to lead.

“I… I didn’t cheat on him.”

He heard the voice of Kazuya, quiet, as though afraid – like a child telling the truth, coming clean.

“I was raped.”

He tightened his embrace around Kazuya, whose gaze was still fixed upon that point in the distance. He squeezed his eyes shut as well, trying to imagine living in a world like his.

Nothing mattered more to him just yet.

***

Kazuya knew that the stranger was gone when he returned to consciousness the next morning. It had been a long time since he had truly appreciated the warmth of a new day. Sitting up slowly in his bed, he felt something fall off his body. Fingering it slowly, he realized that it was a coat. It was a coat that smelt of the stranger from the night before, a coat that still held traces of his affection.

He slipped an arm into one of the sleeves.

Perhaps their meeting had been a mistake.

But it was a mistake that he would never forget, and never live to regret. It was a beautiful mistake.

Angelfish

2009-03-05T10:17:39Z

Pairing: Akame
Genre: Fluff
Rating: G
Synopsis: Jin decides to go fishing for angels, but Kame just wants his afternoon nap.

“Kaaame!”

Kamenashi Kazuya raised his head lazily from the armrest of the sofa, blinking at his best friend, Akanishi Jin, in mild confusion. That was what naps on Sunday afternoons usually did to you – disorientation. It was one of their rare days off work, and he had been looking forward to catching up on all those lost hours of sleep. He supposed it was not going to be easy, though, now that Jin was getting weird ideas again.

“Mm?” He rubbed his eyes, trying to get used to the brightness of the day and wishing he was back in dreamland where he belonged.

“Let’s go fishing!”

It took a long while before Kame realized what Jin was talking about.

“Eh?”

“Fishing!”

He suspected the heat of the day was finally getting to the both of them.

“What for?”

“I want to catch angelfish!”

Okay, the heat was really getting to them. Or maybe just Jin. Or maybe he was hearing things…

“Angelfish?”

“Angelfish!”

“Why?”

“Don’t you think they’re just so pretty?”

A speechless moment passed.

“Well… that depends on how you view the situation, actually…” Kame began slowly. Pretty? Probably. Pretty enough to make him forsake a good day’s worth of sleep? Hell no.

“I don’t care, I think they’re pretty.”

“Okay, okay.” Kame conceded. Now could he go back to sleep?

“So we’re going fishing today.”

Kame fought an urge to roll his eyes.

“If you really wanted angelfish, you could always head down to the aquarium to buy some, you know. Not throw a line down some water body...” He muttered irritably, lying back down on the couch, ready to re-enter that blissful state of slumber – only to be poked awake once more by a persistent Jin.

“Kaaame!”

“What?”

“Let’s go fishing!”

“No!”

“But I want to have an angel in the house!”

“Jin, ‘angel’, not ‘angelfish’.”

“Well, then I want an angelfish in the house!”

“You’re not making sense anymore. And it’s my house you’re talking about, by the way –”

“Doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter. C’mon, please?”

“No.”

“Pretty please?”

“No.”

“Pretty please with a cherry on top and rainbow sprinkles and marshmallows and grapes and strawberries?”

This made Kame laugh, despite his previous grouchiness. He never knew that ‘pretty please’es could have that many toppings.

“Always hungry, aren’t you?”

“That’s why we should go fishing!”

“Grilled fish for dinner tonight, huh?” Kame asked, smiling to the ceiling as he shut his eyes slowly.

“Yes! I’ll meet you back here in ten minutes, let’s get our fishing equipment and get changed!”

What?

When he opened his eyes again, Jin was gone.

Oh great.

He resignedly dragged himself off the couch and made his way to the room slowly. Who went fishing at three in the afternoon, anyway?

***

Jin was never quick when it came to getting ready for outings, so it came as no surprise when Kame found himself waiting by the door, all the necessary things packed in a large bag. Then, he heard the telltale signs of Jin’s appearance.

“Kaaame!”

“So are you ready?”

“We don’t need to go fishing anymore!”

Kame paused. Please tell me that I’m not hearing things.

“And why would that be so?”

“I just realized that we don’t need angels in the house.”

“After making me get everything ready?” Kame snapped. Sometimes, Jin could just be so irresponsible, so thoughtless, so –

“We already have one.”

“What, yourself?” Trust him to start his self-praise at a time like this.

“Kame, are you angry?”

“What do you think?”

“Ano… Sorry.” Jin actually sounded hurt, and Kame felt his temper ebbing away in spite of himself. He walked into the store room where he thought he heard Jin’s voice coming from, and found Jin sitting on the floor, a large album in his arms.

“What’re you doing?”

“Looking at angels.”

“Jin, that’s the album with all my baby photos.” Kame sighed.

Their eyes met, and a shadow of Jin’s old grin was back in place, as he replied.

“Precisely.”

Tremble

2009-03-02T14:12:51Z

Pairing: Akame
A/N: It's my first drabble. Go figure. :P I hope this makes sense... and comments are welcome.

---

Kame watches as his world is dyed different colors, basking in the atmosphere. Yet, a part of him wants to shrink from those vibrant hues, to hide in a corner and pretend he does not exist. He does not know if he can feel himself anymore; his body, right down to his fingertips, seems to be moving of its own accord, involuntarily, to an unfamiliar rhythm.

He wants them to stop, just stop.

Sometimes, all he wishes is for someone to be there to hold his hand.

Sometimes, all he needs is that silent reassurance.

Sometimes, all he has is that contact, that squeeze of the palm, to keep him sane and make him remember that he is still alive, still a person that mattered.

But then again, sometimes, that sometime never comes.

The spotlights flash a brilliant shade of red and he clenches his fists, willing himself to be still. Then, the music begins and he steps forth, center stage, alone.

Encore - Chapter 1

2009-02-27T06:05:42Z

They finally reached the foot of his apartment building.

“I can make my own way up from here.” Akanishi Jin told the other man gently.

A ghost of a smile flitted across the latter’s face. There they stood, looking at each other for a long while. This was the new beginning he had been wishing for. Just like two souls seeking companionship, two people looking for something to hold onto as they swam along in the depths of society – they were lucky to have found each other. Or at least, that was the way Jin saw it. It was a bond much simpler than anything he had experienced before, something he did not have to go through an internal struggle with every time he thought about it.

“Happy anniversary.” His boyfriend whispered, leaning close.

Jin knew what was coming, and drew back, not daring to look in the other’s eyes. It was more of a reflex than choice, and he knew it. Maybe they both did. Maybe this was what made it twice as painful. When he brought himself to move his gaze upward, however, he was relieved to see that there was no hint of accusation in that gaze. There was only understanding – something he had craved, but been deprived of for a long time. He was allowed to have the freedom to choose, to wait till he was ready, and he appreciated that.

“It’s been six months already, hasn’t it?” Jin offered tentatively after a few seconds passed. “Time sure flies.”

“It’s a long time for some, a short time for others.” This was more like a statement than an answer to anything, but Jin did not mind.

“Have a good rest…” He started again. “…And thanks for everything.”

It was then that he felt himself being pulled into a tight embrace. Perhaps the arms around his body were thinner, yet more muscular than he would have preferred, but it was a warm gesture all the same. Jin was glad; glad that his heartbeat still picked up speed when the other man touched him; glad that he was still able to love, and be loved.

“Goodnight.”

Jin was released back into the stillness of the night. It was just another day, though a special one at that, he thought to himself as he climbed the stairs to his apartment.

It was almost midnight.

Why was it that at such times, his life would replay itself backwards, just like a tape on rewind, in the depths of his mind? Past events trickling back into his mind in the most vivid, blinding shades. They came to him in images, like reflections in a basin of water – distorted, unclear. A familiar face swam into view again, somehow more beautiful, yet more deadly than he recalled. He had tried so hard to forget that person’s existence.

But feelings could not be erased as he wished, could they?

If they could, there would be no poems about broken hearts, no songs about missing someone else, no suicides or murders over lost loves.

It seemed like millions of years ago since he last saw anything that reminded him of Kamenashi. Why, though, did that man’s features remain so deeply etched in his memory? He was like a phantom, crouching back and waiting, showing himself only at selected times, never allowing Jin to truly forget. Indeed, he never ceased to wonder, what, then, had become of Kamenashi since that fateful night?

Jin sighed.

Why was he yearning so deeply to find out?

He stared at the blank ceiling in the dimness of his room. The blank ceiling stared back, leaving him as confused as before. He wanted answers. But of course, answers did not come to you. You had to look for them. Yet, he was not going to do anything of that sort. He had gone far enough to learn living alone, like a normal man, and there was no way he was about to turn back.

Never.

***

“Thank you and we hope to see you again!” Jin smiled, as the last of his customers filed out of his restaurant. They were satisfied, and for that matter, so was he. Closing the doors, he glanced at the clock. It was almost eleven. All that was left was to clear up that table, he thought. His employees had left around half an hour before; there was no reason to keep them around to carry out a job he could finish easily by himself.

As always, he watched the bar across the street for a few minutes. Nothing had changed at the other side of the world, had it?

Then, just as he was about to turn away, he noticed a man being shoved out from the entrance. It was probably someone who had offended the owners or caused trouble in its premises. He shrugged. You always had such people at shady places. He watched as the bouncer threw a punch at the man, causing him to stumble. That was strange; he had never once seen anyone being beaten up right there before – he knew that fights definitely happened, but an effort was always made to conceal them. What exactly was going on this time? The man must have had done something to warrant such treatment.

He frowned, trying to catch a glimpse of the man’s face, but with no avail. All he could make out was the thin figure crouched on the ground. A second bouncer appeared. He seemed to recognize the man, but did nothing to stop the first, as though holding back with an effort. How strange.

The first bouncer did not stop his abuse. People were beginning to stare, to slow down as they walked past, to mutter to each other as they pretended not to notice the man lying on the ground – the man who finally looked up, with an expression that spoke clearly of pain.

It was then that Jin finally saw the man’s face.

It can’t be.

Panic flooded through his veins. Before he knew it, he was across the street, stopping the bouncer from landing any more punches on the man, placing himself in danger’s way. He did not know what had possessed him, to give him the daring to stand between the attacker and his prey. But he did. And miraculously, the bouncer stopped.

Maybe it was the realization that he had somehow overrode a taboo, that he should not have had lost control with the man who now lay, writhing, on the ground. Or maybe there was something in the way Jin had glared at him as he placed a firm grip on the bouncer’s wrist disabling him to cause more harm. Irregardless, the bouncers retreated back into the darkness of their world, and all was over. At least, it was over as of now.

He bent down to help the man up, getting ready to cross the street, to get back to his world. The lights in his restaurant looked so distant from this side of the street, emitting warmth that he was not sure would ever belong to him again. He felt the weight of the man against his side. The man’s eyes were half-closed, his body limp. He was so thin, so fragile that Jin shuddered to think what he must have had gone through. Was this the first time he had endured a beating? Or was this merely one of the many? Jin made sure that the man was not going to slip under his grasp, and then began making his way warily across the road.

This was the first time he had stepped over to the ‘other side’. Why? Why did it feel now like he had crossed some kind of invisible boundary? Why did it feel like this was his first step back into the hell that he had struggled so much to break free from?

***

When he opened his eyes again, he was in a restaurant. The faint smell of leftover food wafted to his nose, and he sighed. It was an odd mix of something peppery and fried. He took in his surroundings. Something about the place felt familiar and safe, yet he was certain that it was not somewhere that he had set foot in before. There did not seem to be anyone around either, and he tried to recall how he had ended up there.

He felt a sharp stab in his skull, and he reached to massage his forehead, only to experience another twinge in his side, and a dull aching in his arm. It came back to him only in flashes, but he could still remember the pain he had experienced as the air got knocked out of him, blow after blow. His head was throbbing now. All he knew was that it happened at the entrance of a bar. How, then, had he gotten there in the first place?

He tried sitting up, and groaned. Evidently, he had been hurt in more than three places.

“Are you okay?”

So there was someone in the restaurant with him. He turned around towards the source of the question. It was a man, probably a few years older than himself, with dark brown hair that grazed his shoulders. His eyes were brown orbs to which a deep gaze belonged, and his lips were full. There was something doll-like about his face; something that stirred a long-lost emotion somewhere within the injured man. What, though, was with the butterflies in his stomach? The sensation of realizing something, yet not knowing what exactly it was?

“I’m alright.” He winced as he forced himself to sit up properly, facing the stranger. He was confused. But it was hard to mould his confusion into words. He quietly pondered for a moment, acutely aware of the other man watching him closely. For all that had happened and for all that he could remember, one thing bothered him. “Why did you help me?” He asked.

The stranger hesitated, and then frowned. It was an odd look. If he did not know better, he would have thought that there was more to the gaze than just bewilderment. There was some tenderness in that look, some disbelief, and even some frustration. He did not know what had caused the man to feel as such; neither was he sure of how he even identified these emotions at all. Then the stranger replied with, not an answer, but another question.

“What’s your name?”

He looked at the stranger. What a thing to ask. Yet, did the stranger know things about him that even he did not? His name… What was his name…? The question echoed a few times in his mind, until he realized that even he could not find a proper answer to it.

“I… don’t know.”

There it was again – that weird gaze. It was as though the stranger was trying to communicate with him, to look for something in him that was not there. It was like when phone lines malfunctioned, and one person could not hear what the other had to say. The gaze was making him feel uncomfortable now.

“What’s your name?” He asked the stranger.

“Akanishi.” The stranger replied, his face unreadable. “Akanishi Jin.”

There was a pause.

“I’ll get you something to eat.” Akanishi said, and returned to the kitchen, leaving him to his confused thoughts once more.

Akanishi… Jin. Who’s he, and why did he help me?

***

Jin only realized that his eyes were wet when he was back in the kitchen. He went about gathering some leftover food and heating them up. If only his heart could be similarly warmed. Those features that had haunted his mind all along – why did they have to appear before his eyes once more?

“What’s your name?”

His own question made endless loops around his mind. Like a large zero, a shape that spoke of nothingness, that represented a snake devouring its tail – self destruction.

“Kamenashi Kazuya.” Those were the words that he had refused to allow himself speak over the past years. “How could you not remember?”

Kaboom.

[One-Shot] Fly

2009-02-13T15:50:42Z

Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG
Genre: Fluff!
Synopsis: Kame discovers a sketch that Jin had been doing. Was it as simple as what he thought it had been, or something more?
A/N: I get weird inspiration for Valentines' Day fics. xD

A sleeping Akanishi Jin was always a beautiful Jin. This was a fact established in Kamenashi Kazuya’s mind since that first morning he had awoken to the older man’s quiescent face. Nothing of his long lashes, soft brown hair or full, slightly parted lips fell short of perfection.

It had been another long day at work, and the sky was ablaze with the strong orange glow of the setting sun as Kame returned to the confines of his apartment, craving a scrumptious meal. Yet, the dining table was empty but for Jin, who was slumped on it, evidently already on a lone trip to dreamland. Even the jingle of keys as Kame entered the apartment failed to wake him.

Kame took a glance at the dismal sight of his dining room and sighed. Beautiful though Jin was when he was asleep, a pretty face could hardly cure the hunger pangs he was experiencing. He felt a stab of annoyance at the fact that that boy never learnt to think for others. Remembering the days where he would always prepare Jin’s dinners when filming ended late his stomach only growled more incessantly when he thought about the pasta, rice, or even sushi that he prepared sometimes. Had he been expecting too much to wish for the same treatment?

He watched Jin for a few more minutes, listening to his faint snoring.

Probably so.

Then he saw a white sheet of paper pressed under the sleeping man’s arms, and a pencil and eraser that lay carelessly nearby. Now, this was something new. Checking that Jin was not going to be rejoining him in the real world anytime soon, he eased the paper from the other man’s arms and examined it with mild curiosity.

It was a sketch – not an extremely refined one, though decent nonetheless. Rather surprised by his discovery, he looked closely at the scene depicted by the many rough lines; Two angels, at either end of the sheet. The gaping blankness that separated them was large enough for one to see each as an individual, but there was something about them that felt connected, though Kame could hardly put his finger on it.

The angels stared back at him with a strange familiarity as well. One of them was slightly thinner with more feminine features, while the other had a fuller face and longer, thicker hair. Though, both had the same eerie, distant expression. Kame did not know the significance of the picture or the meaning behind it. But one thing was for sure; it was an art piece that contained no smiles, only loneliness. Were angels meant to stand alone? Far from any human, or even their counterparts?

It was at this time that another detail caught his eye – each angel only had one wing; only one of the large, magnificent feathery structures protruding from its shoulder. One had it on its left, while the other on its right. They could hardly be ordinary angels, then, thought Kame. They were fallen, broken.

Kame’s gaze trailed back to the lump on the table, still steadily rising and falling in tune with heavy breathing, completely oblivious to its surroundings.

He had never known Jin to be much of an artist.

Why the sudden inspiration? And, more importantly, why the depressing image?

Kame had always thought of Jin as the human incarnation of sunshine and liveliness. Why the sudden change in outlook? Had he been sending signals of distress that Kame did not receive?

“Jin…” Kame placed a warm palm on the older man’s back, rousing him gently from sleep.

“Hmm?” Jin opened an eye, gazing at his friend through unfocused vision. His features broke into a dazed smile as he muttered. “Kame. You’re back.”

“Have you been feeling alright lately?” Kame was not one to beat around the bush.

But Jin only muttered something incoherent and asked, “What’re you talking about?”

“I mean… have you been feeling depressed or anything lately? There’s nothing you can’t tell me, you know.”

At the sound of these words, Jin furrowed his brows and sat up straight, stretching lazily as he did so. Despite his now steady gaze, he cocked his head to one side as though unable to comprehend Kame’s words.

“Huh?”

At this, Kame waved the drawing that he had found moments earlier in front Jin’s face impatiently.

“I’m talking about this, Jin! It’s not like you to sketch such a sad image.”

There was a pause as Jin finally realized what this was about. Yet, for reasons that Kame did not understand, the other man reddened and snatched the picture back.

“It’s not a sad image!”

Jin got whiny when he was annoyed, and Kame rubbed his temples at the sound of his indignant words.

“Says who?” He replied. That boy certainly could be annoying when just woken from a deep slumber. So much for showing concern. “Do happy angels have only one wing?”

“They’re not happy angels!”

“Well, that means they’re sad, aren’t they?” Kame replied matter-of-factly.

“Kaaame~”

“What?”

“You won’t understand!”

“Of course I won’t! You’re not telling me anything! And angels have two wings, bakanishi. Or they won’t be able to fly.”

Jin’s fell silent.

“But they can’t fly. They’re not meant to fly; not like that, anyway.”

“I don’t understand you.” Kame stated plainly.

Jin pouted, snatching the picture back.

“Fine, then.”

The bedroom door slammed shut.

God, imagine getting locked out of your own bedroom.

He paced around the living room for a while, with only his growling tummy for company, slightly ruffled. Now, not only was he deprived of food, but of rest and relaxation as well. Eyes fixated on the floor as he made endless loops around the coffee table, he was about to pick up the phone to call for delivery when he noticed another sheet of paper under the dining table, not unlike the one that had just been taken from his hands. It probably got blown off or something.

Thoroughly expecting to see a failed attempt at the previous sketch, he picked it up only to find a second image. Then, things began falling into place. Kame surveyed this picture for a long time. Seconds grew to minutes as the real meaning of it began to sink in. Then the crease on his forehead disappeared, giving way to something remarkably like a smile as understanding seeped through his veins.

Knock, knock.

“What do you want now?”

Jin was obviously still having a tantrum.

The door swung open slowly as Kame stepped quietly into the dark room, barely able to make out the shape of Jin lying on his bed, back faced to him.

“Jin.”

“What?”

His tone was less harsh this time, and Kame could tell that Jin’s anger was ebbing away too. He was a person that could never hold grudges for long.

“Come here.” He said softly.

“Why can’t you come here?”

But he was already off the bed, moving towards Kame. Facing each other, the sulk on Jin’s face was evident, even in the dimness of the room.

“What now?” He snapped, only to find himself in the embrace of the other within moments. Kame’s arms were wrapped around him tight, as though they would never release him again, face buried into Jin’s neck. It was a warm gesture, and he put his own arms around the other man’s waist as well. The sudden passion unnerved him a little, however, and it was his turn this time to voice concerned words.

“Kame, are you okay?”

There was no reply, though he could feel Kame hugging him even harder; so hard that it was beginning to hurt.

“Do you feel it?” The latter murmured after a while.

“Feel… what?”

“That lifting sensation in your naval when we hold each other.”

A second passed, then two.

Jin recalled the sequel to the drawing of the lonely angels that he had grabbed from Kame, wondering if he had seen it. Then, Kame began speaking the most beautiful words he had heard – words from a quote that made his two-dimensional angels exist in the first place.

“We are, each of us angels with only one wing…” He started.

“… and we can only fly by embracing one another.” Jin finished.

He understood, after all.

“Ne, Kazu, are you sure that feeling in your naval wasn’t your stomach grumbling?”

A chuckle.

“We could try this again after you’ve made me dinner.”

They stayed like that for what seemed like eternity. Then Jin spoke once more.

“I just remembered something.”

“So did I.” Kame replied.

Enveloped in each other’s warmth, the angels smiled as they spoke the same words, at the same time.

“Happy Valentines’.”

Lipstick Wars

2009-01-24T13:35:36Z

Pairing: Akame
Genre: Crack
Rating: G
Summary: Something similar to Just Another Day. Jin is over at Kame's house for dinner, and they decide to have a bet...

A/N: Completely random story, thanks to a completely random prompt from blacktag at my request. (Yes, I was bored.) All light-hearted and cranky. ^_^ Hope you guys like it.

“Kaaame!”

Kamenashi Kazuya, who was lounging on the sofa, eyes glued to a storybook, gave a noncommittal grunt.

“Kaaame! Come here!” The voice continued, growing louder with each call.

Kame had no choice but to finally look up at his friend, Akanishi Jin, wondering what had possessed him to invite the older man over for dinner after work. He should have known that Jin was not one to keep quiet, even after his stomach had been filled. He got up reluctantly from the sofa and went to the bedroom – the origin of the noise.

“What’s the matter?”

He found Jin beside his dressing table, apparently browsing through his make-up case. “Why do you have lipstick in here?”

This question momentarily caused Kame to forget about demanding to know what Jin was doing with his make-up case. He thought about it for a moment. The most likely answer would be that…

“…Because someone gave it to me?”

He narrowed his eyes at the lipstick in Jin’s palm. Now that Jin had mentioned it, he could not actually remember using it before. Where had it come from?

I guess some things are always there, yet always forgotten as well.

Jin raised his eyebrows thoughtfully. “Really? Or is it that the super idol, Kamenashi Kazuya, wears lipstick in secret when he’s at home…?” He trailed off, smirking. It was an expression which plainly stated that he was imagining what his friend looked like with lipstick. Not exactly a pretty image.

“Akanishi. Stop imagining things.” Kame knew exactly what was on the older man’s mind.

To his horror, Jin began whining again.

“Kaaame~”

“What?” With a vague sense of foreboding, Kame rolled his eyes and made to leave the room.

“Put it on!”

He stopped in his tracks as his instincts were proven right.

“Hell no! That’s so gay!”

“It’s gonna look so pretty on you!”

“No it isn’t!”

“Kaaame~”

“No!”

They glared at each other for a while.

“Then let’s have a bet.”

“What bet?”

“We’ll see who can finish the last two donuts in your fridge faster. One for each of us. The loser has to put on this lipstick. Come on, come on, are you up to it?”

Kame frowned. What kind of stupid idea was that? And moreover…

“Jin, why do you even know that I have two donuts in my fridge?”

Jin paused. Evidently, that particular detail had slipped his mind. He cast his eyes around the room, averting his friend’s gaze and trying to come up with a reasonable excuse. “Ano… Sixth sense?” He smiled hopefully. “One time, tee agero; two time, ten takaku…”

“BAKANISHI!”

He started at the sound of his nickname.

“Okay, okay, I looked into your fridge after dinner, alright?” He conceded.

“Why don’t you admit that you just want dessert?” Kame sighed and walked back to the living room.

Jin stayed put for a moment, as though trying to make sense of the situation. Then he noticed that Kame had gone, and grabbed the lipstick, following him. “But Kaaame~” He plopped himself on the sofa beside his friend, who had started reading again. “I want to see you wearing this too! Can’t we have both?”

“No,” came the resolute answer.

“Yes, yes yes!” He grinned and quickly snacthed the book out of Kame’s hands, running to the kitchen and grabbing the box with the donuts, then coming back and placing them on the coffee table before the sofa.

“You glutton.”

Jin said nothing as he opened the box and took one of the donuts out from it, eyeing Kame.

“One for you too! Quickly!”

“But I’m not hungry –” He tried arguing his way out of it, but the second donut had already been shoved into his hands.

“One, two, three, start!” Jin shouted and began chomping furiously.

Whatever you say, Jin.

Kame stuffed the donut into his mouth in two bites.

“EHH???” Was all Jin could say when he had finished his – in three bites.

The younger man swallowed with some difficulty, the edges of his lips curving upwards uncontrollably in a smirk.

“Where’d you think all the other donuts had gone, baka?”

“No fair!”

Kame shook his head, walking to the kitchen to wash his hands. Jin followed again.

“Oh man, now I’m gonna have to wear that lipstick…”

“Whatever you say…” Kame suppressed a laugh as he got back to the sofa and picked up his book once more. The older man could take bets a little too seriously sometimes. Well, if he really was going to do it, Kame was certainly going to watch. Talk about post-dinner entertainment.

A few moments later, Jin reappeared in the living room, pouting, much to the amusement of his friend. Or, perhaps, ‘amusement’ was an understatement. Kame had practically collapsed in laughter onto the sofa.

“Stop laughing!”

“Mmppprgh….”

Laughter, however muffled, was still laughter.

“Kaaame!”

The younger man sat up properly, trying to keep a straight face.

“Alright… alright…”

At the sound of this, Jin took his seat beside Kame, his expression of severity a stark contrast to his striking red lips. The pout had vanished.

There it was again – that sense of foreboding.

“What do you want this time?”

“How well do you resist temptation?”

Strange question.

“Better than you think.”

Kame resisted an urge to edge away.

“Well, then, Kazu-chan, are you able to resist my mind-blowingly sexy lips tonight?” Jin scrunched up his features in an exaggerated kissing expression, tilting his head upwards in his friend’s direction, his eyes squeezed shut.

Kame snorted and smacked Jin on the forehead.

“Ouch!”

“Yeah, because I just realized something.”

“What?”

“That lipstick was meant to be Ueda’s birthday present, but I forgot to give it to him.”

There was a long silence.

“… But I can give it to him now that I remember!” Kame continued brightly.

“But I just used it!” Jin stared at his band mate incredulously.

“C’mon, he won’t notice anyway. And it’s not like he’ll use it either. It’s all in the name of fun!”

“Maybe it would have been a little more fun if you gave it to him three months ago, on his actual birthday. And gee, did it ever occur to you that if he decided to put it on for fun, he’d be indirectly kissing me?”

“So what?”

“SO WHAT?!”

“Yeah, so what?”

“It’s disgusting, that’s what!”

Yet, Kame simply looked like he was desperately trying to stop another snort.

“I hate you!” Jin elbowed Kame in the ribs and pressed his lips to the latter’s cheek, leaving on it a crimson imprint.

“Ewww! Now that was disgusting!”

Kame wiped the mark from his face and smeared it onto Jin’s cheek, making him yell.

“Stop it!”

***

It was late at night.

Both men had finally gotten themselves rid of lipstick. They were now sitting peacefully on the couch, a remote control tucked in between them, their eyes fixed onto the television screen.

“By the way, Jin, why were you ransacking my make-up case?”

“I wanted to check if you hid snacks in there when you went to work.”

Kame was suddenly thankful that there was no nearby wall which he could land his head on. How was it that Jin could say such things with a straight face, and actually mean it? He sighed.

“Jin, you are a glutton.”

“What’s for supper?”

Just Another Day

2009-01-20T01:27:27Z

Pairing: Akame

Genre: Crack

Synopsis: Hairspray, rainbows and mindlessness. Ah, the power of rumors.

A/N: My first attempt at crack-ish fictions. Hmm. Happy belated birthday, korn_lotr_luver!!

***

“Kaaaaame!”

Kamenashi Kazuya, in the midst of getting ready to go out, tore his eyes from the mirror at the sound of his name.

“Eh?”

It was his band mate, Akanishi Jin. Knowing him, it couldn’t be anything important, Kame thought to himself, going back to styling his hair. He reached for his hairspray.

“You know…” The older man started again.

“What is it?” Kame replied, looking back at his own reflection, somewhat irritable. It had been one of those rare occasions where Jin had come to his place early in the day to fetch him to their filming location, so he supposed he ought to pay his friend a little more attention. But they were going to be late if they did not set off in ten minutes, and he could not risk going out with his hair in a mess.

Just the thought of what the tabloids would come up with was horrifying enough. It was going to be another “Akame” story again. Well, of course it was. Just the mere sight of Jin entering his apartment was ground-breaking gossip; let alone the sight of him fetching an unkempt Kame to work.

Oh, no. Kame was not going to be called gay; and even if he had to be gay, why did he always have to be thought of to be the girl part of the relationship?

He was a man, not a sissy, damn it.

Frowning at that thought, he extended his hand blindly in the direction of his hairspray, groping blindly along the dressing table, eyes still fixed to the mirror… Now, where did he leave it?

Then he noticed that Jin had not spoken for a long time. Something seemed to click into place.

Baka.

“Akanishi!”

He spun around to face Jin, and sure enough, the latter had his hairspray in his hand.

“You know, I heard that if you spray enough of this into the morning sunlight, you will see rainbows.” Jin stated thoughtfully.

Kame nearly choked. Then he saw that the corners of his band mate’s mouth curving upwards.

What was with the idiotic grin?

He glanced at his watch. Seven minutes.

“Akanishi! I need that hairspray!”

“Come on, don’t you want to see if the rumors are true?”

“No, but there sure are gonna be rumors about us if you –” Kame began, but Jin ignored him.

He aimed the nozzle towards the window, where the golden rays of the morning sun were streaming in and gave it a good, hard press. Kame almost wanted to smack that boy’s head, just to wipe that expectant smile off his face. He contented himself with crossing his arms and tapping his foot instead; violence was not a good way to start off what was going to be another long day at work.

“Hmm, doesn’t seem to be working.” Jin muttered. He tried again, releasing an overly generous amount of hairspray into the air.

Kame really choked this time.

“Jin, maybe it doesn’t actually work.” He tried to point out.

Jin tried again.

And again.

And –

“Kaaaame!” He exclaimed suddenly.

“What now?” Kame rolled his eyes. Nothing had changed, except that he was almost dying from the smell of hairspray now.

“Rainbow!” Jin squealed, pointing to the floor excitedly.

Kame looked in the same direction. Then he decided to try and make Jin look at the situation sensibly.

“Jin, that wasn’t formed because of my hairspray. It’s just the angle at which the sunlight passes through the glass…”

Unsurprisingly, he was interrupted.

“No! It’s true! It’s the hairspray!” Jin insisted. Then he wrinkled his nose. “Gosh, why’s the smell so strong?”

“I wonder too.” Kame sighed. He checked his watch again. Three minutes. He narrowed his eyes at Jin. “Can I have my hairspray back now? We’re short of time.”

Jin pouted, and then handed the can back to the younger man reluctantly. Kame could be scary when he wanted to. He turned around to go out and start the car…

“BAKANISHI!”

He looked back slowly, wondering what he had done to incur the other’s wrath this time.

“…Yes?”

“You used up all my hairspray!”

Oh.

Jin smiled awkwardly, hoping for the awkward moment to pass. But it did not. It was hard not to quail under Kame’s glare.

After another few seconds, he could not stand it anymore.

“Kaaaame~” He whined. “Going out with your hair in a mess isn’t going to kill you~~”

It did not work.

“You’d better do something about it, quick.” Kame growled.

Hmm, okay, Jin thought. He cast his gaze around the room.

There was a short pause where Kame eyed his friend for a while.

Then Kame felt something soft flop onto his head. He pulled off in a swift moment, almost fainting in exasperation when he saw what it was.

“BAKANISHI!”

Jin widened his eyes in the most convincing impression of a wounded puppy.

“Aw, come on, it’s cute!” Jin said this as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Plus, no one will be able to see your messy hair if you wear it.”

“It’s a turtle hat.”

“No it isn’t.”

“Then what do you call this? A wig?”

“It’s a red turtle hat.”

Kame furrowed his brows for a moment, before he threw the hat back at Jin, who caught it.

“I know what you’re thinking. ‘Aka-kame’ again, isn’t it? No way. You just get a kick out of being regarded as the manlier of us two.”

Jin shoved the hat back onto Kame’s head, that annoying grin back in place on his face.

“But it’s so cute!”

Kame made to remove the hat again –

“Kaaame~ We’re going to be late~”

This made him check the time once more. They were five minutes behind time. He hesitated.

Then, before he could protest, he was dragged out of the house.

He resignedly pulled the hat lower to cover as much of his face as possible.

Oh gosh, the tabloids… The tabloids…

He could almost imagine the kind of stories their fans would cook up after that.

It’s just another day, Kame.

[One-Shot] Chains

2009-01-03T13:28:49Z

Pairing: Kameda
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG
Synopsis: Another monologue-ish fiction. Pretty short, not very sweet. Idea came after I listened to 'Ai no Hana' from the QoP concert.

__________________________

Open your eyes.

The beach was deserted.

But of course, why won’t it be, at four in the morning?

He was the only one left in the bar.

But of course, why wouldn’t he be?

Ueda Tatsuya lifted the wine glass from the bar-top and admired the liquid within it. Against the light, it was of a deep purple, a vague crimson hue showing itself upon closer examination. He swirled it around, his gaze riveted, as though immersed in the gem-like quality of its colors. Bringing the glass forth, a pungent aroma met with his nostrils. His eyelids fluttered shut as he admired in silence, the scent of different ingredients blended into one.

He had been drinking more often than usual of late.

Red wines were his favourites, especially, for they were the only thing on earth befitting of the special one who was present in his thoughts during all his conscious moments. He liked to take in its exquisite taste, to sample it with something close to reverence, even, when he was alone. It reminded him of the hours, days, months and years that he had spent with the other man. Alone they had been, taking in the presence of the other, relishing in the very essence of their relationship.

It was heaven in hell; the only moments of bliss in his sorrowful existence.

He freed his gaze from the glass and watched the empty beach. Oh the joys of sitting at a bar by the sea in the wee hours of the morning. He expected no other to understand it, nor appreciate it as he did.

Of course, only one person had been able to truly see it his way.

Yet, it was that same person who simultaneously brought him closer to both eternity and destruction. It was the same person who had loved him and whom he had loved. But it was also that very same person who shattered his heart, broke his soul.

Kamenashi Kazuya.

It was this name that haunted his mind day and night.

Kamenashi Kazuya.

It was the face of this man that he could never forget.

Kamenashi Kazuya.

They were meant for each other. How could he have doubted their destiny? They were best partners, best friends… Maybe even more than that. Or maybe it was not a ‘maybe’. They were more than just friends.

Why could he not see it that way?

Kamenashi Kazuya.

Kamenashi… Kazuya…

He cursed, a low mumble breaking the quiet of the dark.

His eyes saw the waves, the vast body of water rising and falling to a slow and steady rhythm. However, his ears were numb to its sounds. Perhaps his senses were handicapped by the clench in his chest.

Kamenashi Kazuya.

He twirled the wine glass around again and, emptied its contents down his throat, eyes shut. Its taste was no longer the fragrant, pungent sweetness, but a thick, bitter sensation. It blurred his thoughts, but that name remained. His mind was crying out, complaining, whining for it to stop. He wanted it to stop right now. Or did he really?

Shut me up with your lips once more...

He opened his eyes slowly, reaching across the bar-top to pour a second glass of wine.

... And maybe I’ll be able to hear the sea again.